2784/What It Means To Be A Senshi

What It Means To Be A Senshi
Date of Scene:	14 October 2025
Location:	The Book Nook
Synopsis:	Amy's taken on the role of Sailor Chalcopyrite quite a bit - and recently was a bit chastised for it. Usagi pulls her aside to talk about it - and many more things about their upcoming future.
Cast of Characters:	Usagi Tsukino, Amanda Faust

---

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Tea had been passed around and words had been exchanged, heads put together to vent and console and theorize, but eventually, they had to peel away from one another - bed for some, the ball pit for others, and for Usagi, it had been quietly walking alongside Amy, and asking if she wanted to talk.

It hadn't been Usagi's intention to make Amy feel small - but she'd looked small, in her sweater, after leaving her Chalcopyrite outfit, and leaving that unsaid and unsolved, on top of the confession that hung between them and had not been addressed, was too much.

The Book Nook is surprisingly still open, and surprisingly... operable, still. Maybe it's not so surprising. Just because Usagi hasn't seen the mysterious owner, doesn't mean they aren't around still, running their business.

There's air conditioning and books and plenty of places to sit, so Usagi looks around at the place a Witch had been fought and a mangaka saved, and says, "Well, it's honestly a lot less creepy than I thought it would be, and it's still open at half past eleven, so... I think it will do?"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    (Amy is the same size and not so different in build from Usagi! But the sweatshirt is loose-fit and soft and comfortable.)

    On the one hand, this was, definitively, not her circus, and Amy was made aware of it by the looks -- she had picked up on it, and was deciding how to respond when Venus spoke, which surprised her into just reacting. On the other hand...

    The problems they face are often terrible, but sitting and talking with these people is a comforting reminder of how life has changed. Amanda never had so many friends. Was never really listened to. The brothers' fight was, perhaps, more of a family matter only affecting most of them out of their concern for Mamoru, and admittedly Amy's not super close to the others there save Usagi and Mamoru, but...

    They'd listened anyway, and she'd listened, and when the next magical danger comes she and her friends will face it together.

    Amy can guess what Usagi's offering to talk about, and nods at the offer, walking with her out to... wherever. Who matters more than where/

    (Although, aware of the time, and that they're on the sidewalk rather than henshined, she's sometimes suddenly Aware that she should be looking around... but there's no trouble, and it is Japan, after all...)

    "Yeah, it is a lot less creepy than expected. ...Maybe she had a friend who checks in on it? It's not, like, the doll shop..." Amy looks in, and nods, and tries the door if Usagi doesn't first, finding a comfy reading chair to sit in.

    She sits in the chair, small without meaning to be, and thinks about whether she should say somethng first, or...

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"I mean, she could just be... around still, or having someone else manage it, I guess?" Usagi wrinkles her nose, pondering, but it's definitely not about the small of the shop - it still smells clean, like pages and scented cleaning supplies, and it still looks clean, not dusty and abandoned. "I don't know, though. I didn't really see the owner that often..."

They get themselves settled, and while Amy is quiet and thinking about what to say, Usagi has been thinking of what to say, to make her friend not feel lectured or othered, while still understanding that she... is other, and that's not a bad thing.

There's the circus that is her girls and Mamoru's boys, and those circuses have certainly consumed much of their lives, but it's having people outside of the circus that helps Usagi stay grounded.

"What does it mean to you, when you put on your Chalcopyrite costume?"

That's another little thing that Usagi does - she gets the name right, pronunciation and everything, that Amy's chosen, even though it's not the name of a Shitennou or a Senshi. But it's a costume, not a self, and she knows that.

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy doesn't have futher comment on the mysterious bookstore lady she never actually met.

    "Huh?" Amy blinks, and looks at Usagi. Delayed auditory processing moment. "Oh. Hmmm."

    She thinks about it for a moment.

    "I guess... Like at first, in the past, it was just a disguise, since they didn't have other magicals. Although once I did it it was also kind of... neat, just to like... imagine a me take on the costume? I'm not sure why. It felt..."

    "...I don't have a team. The German exchange students did, but I guess Puella Magi generally don't work that way... for obvious reasons." She takes a breath.

    But against the Black Moon Clan... it was, at first, oh I have the disguise ready, let's get info and keep them in the dark about other magical types -- which kinda worked, um..." Amy frowns and shivers a bit at a memory, "Saphir took a biopsy but he didn't give my soul gem a second glance."

    She shakes her head, and looks off to the side and up a little. "Anyway, though, over time... like... I guess it was nice, even if it was pretend, to feel more a part of things than I was."

    She focuses on Usagi again. "Sorry about that. Maybe I got a little too into it."

    She looks down at her legs. "...Come to think of it, I... tend to do that. When we got turned into dolls I briefly thought like... I mean I saw Jack and Dory and thought like..." she shakes her head. "Iunno. That I'd be like. A guest in some, like, society of dolls until it wore off?"

    She shakes her head again. "There was not a society, they're just two. ...That wasn't the only reason, like, I didn't wanna leave that kid alone with the Slasher when we thought he was an actual villain, but it helped me feel better about going with him on my own like that."

    She looks to Usagi. "This isn't the same thing, but... I dunno. Maybe I have a tendency, I'm saying. Or maybe it's just that there aren't many other Puella Magi around and even if there were we don't really group." She looks away. "I dunno."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Usagi listens carefully, coming up with inferences and details that are forming a puzzle that might not be difficult but is important, both to better understanding her friend, and to making sure she doesn't hurt her, anymore than she can't avoid.

She hasn't thought about the German Puella in a long time, and it makes her feel - bad, actually, because she'd known them, and then life had gotten in the way, life and magic and everything that's happened in the ages since then, and now that she thinks about it, not hearing about a whole group of Puella in ages...

Usagi hopes they've gone back to Germany. It's the kindest thought.

"You kind of wanted to be part of this with us, to be a team that you're on the same - Saphir did what?"

She was New Moon at the time, unaware of the capture, unaware of the things that Saphir did, and she's aghast and horrified, distracted from her thoughts for a moment, though with Amy shaking it off, she's trying not to linger too much.

"I think... wanting to be a part of things is the most normal feeling there is, you know? Everyone wants to have other people. To be in the in-group, when there is one, and - well, with us Senshi, there definitely is one, isn't there? It's hard not to be, when there's just... things about us that no one else has."

She ponders that, a bit, but then, socially conscious, emotionally intelligent, she's always been aware of the groups, and social and friendly enough to stay on good terms with everyone. Even now, there are still other in-groups - there's the Outer Senshi, who are a group within a group, or had been, there's the Shitennou, the TSAB group that Chrono trusted, Rashmi and Setsuna and before, Molly-chan, and now that hot blond who made Mamoru question his sexuality -

"It's not a bad thing, you know? Wanting to be an... integral part of a team, fit into a new world. You've said before you don't really feel like you have a place in this one, so... it makes sense."

She hopes she doesn't sound patronizing. She's not trying to be patronizing.

"Thank you for telling me. I mean, I knew it was something - I knew it was a reason that was good, and kind."

Usagi is quiet for a moment.

"I hope... you weren't hurt. I didn't expect the others to speak up too, or I'd have tried to get you alone from the start."

Amanda Faust has posed:
Saphir did what?
    "It's okay, I could still numb the pain... he wanted to learn about other magical types, and that's how he thought to do it, I guess." She tries to play it off with a shrug, but yes, moving on...

    The most normal feeling. She blinks at Usagi, in wide-eyed mild amazement at her somehow in a few words turning a weirdness into the most normal thing.

    Things about us no one else has. Amy nods. "As there is with Puella Magi. Although few want to join, and I wouldn't ask them."

    She doesn't feel like she has a place in this one, so it makes sense. Amy nods, again.

    A reason that was good, and kind. Amy smiles at hearing this evaluation. "You really are different from most people, Usagi... Outside here, people really don't react to someone breaking a social rule like this, even if they did it unwittingly."

    She shakes her head a little. "It's... it wasn't really hurt, so much as... that feeling when you've broken a rule you didn't know. I was trying to figure out how to react gracefully and then Venus spoke up and--"

    She takes a small breath and looks down at the floor. "...I guess, in that second, I decided I'd better not spend any time making it worse over... Iunno, trying to fix it. More... anxious. Nervous. Just wanting things not to get worse. Than hurt."

    She smiles at Usagi. "And then you moved on, and still listened to me, and now you're concerned! That you hurt me after my faux pas! Really, you're wonderful."

    Her thoughts drifted a bit, though, while Usagi was talking before. She looks away. "...I was gonna say something like that back then, too. Before you sideswiped me with 'aren't you just a girl?' The, like, speech building in my head, if you reacted well, I was thinking of maybe daring to say like, 'hey, I know it's weird to ask, but can you treat me like one of you? Sort of an honorary girl?'"

    She smiles at Usagi, again. "I got into that group, at least! Hah..."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"It's definitely not okay," Usagi says firmly, "Even if you are okay now, that's totally not okay. He's lucky he's in the middle of his do-over! He'd better do a lot better, with that do-over, too!"

She doesn't and won't and will never regret giving the Black Moon Clan a chance to have a better life, and be better people - but she's really regretting that they chose to be quite so wicked in this one. Couldn't they have tried a little harder to be less bad?

It's true, that there are things about the Puella that no one else has - being able to turn off pain when you're being tormented is one, though it's a ghoulish thing to have firsthand experienced of. Usagi nods, herself, the pair of them sitting together and hearing each other, relating to one another.

"I don't know if I'd say that," she demurs, "I'm the way I am because of the family and friends that raised me. So there are people out there who would act that way, because I would... but it's not everybody. And I know it's easier for me because we're friends, and I know you, and I already try to think the best of everyone."

And Amy hits on the very subject that had made Usagi feel bad, even as she knew it was the right choice, to ask her not to wear the costume. She'd not expected for Minako and Haruka to speak up, even though she certainly expected them to have opinions on the matter - admittedly, more opinions on it than she thought Hotaru might, but Minako... well, hindsight and all.

"It was awkward! And it was the kind of awkward you maybe thought might turn the whole in-group against you, and that was why I felt bad about it, even though I didn't really think the others would. I mean, I thought for a little bit the Shitennou might speak up, because they got really mad about that kind of thing when someone else did it, but... they didn't! So that was good."

It really, relly was, and she's glad for how bright and warm Amy is, and she flushes a little at being called wonderful, laughing a little.

"You did! You're in that group, and you belong there. And - you know, it's not a bad thing that you're not a Senshi, you know? It's one of the things I really like about our friendship."

Amanda Faust has posed:
It's NOT okay!
    Amy grimaces. "I mean... well, yes, that I'm okay, now... honestly being thrown in a hole full of corpses to wait for death was worse..." She nods. "I hope he does better, too."

    She doesn't regret the Black Moon Clan getting another chance either. For as long as she's been really concerned with morality, she has had little interest in punishment; People who do bad things must be *stopped*, and rehabilitated if possible.

    Usagi says there are others like her, and Amy looks doubtful. Usagi says she tries to think the best of everyone... and Amy makes sense of something, at last. "Ah."

    "...You're right. There must be many people that try to think the best of everyone... but they are usually the ones being hurt by those who don't. They're not the ones people listen to. ...Although those people listen to will claim it, before denouncing someone as too terrible, I'm sure." But... that's not what they're here about today.

    Amy can almost laugh, at seeing someone else have to loudly protest something was awkward. "You get it! I mean, I didn't think all of you would turn on me, but maybe the ones I don't know as well would be colder, and I'd be getting a 'I'm not mad, I'm disappointed' speech here instead..."

    She can say that with a relieved smile because it isn't what happened.

    And she can't help smiling a little more at being told she's in that group, and belongs there. She hasn't doubted that, in essence, in a long time, but it's nice to hear again.

    The next part gets a curious look, though. "I know it's not bad, but... what do you mean? You're friends with lots of people, Senshi and not."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    "Actually, wait, no: I did not actually have time to think that scenario." Amy clarifies after thoughts percolate, before Usagi can speak again. "But... the feeling of similar situations before, that led to that sort of thing, or worse... The feel was there." She feels it's important to not accidentally speak untruth if she realizes she did, after all.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
It's not like she thought that Amy really did think it was okay, but.. it's good to see her articulating that she definitely, definitely know it wasn't okay. It's a little reassuring! Proof that Amy values herself, which hasn't always been the case.

That doubtful look, on the other hand? Very familiar. Especially on this subject.

"Agree to disagree for the moment," she says brightly, because they both agree this isn't what they're here to discuss, their starkly contrasting views on the nature of things and people. "Of course! Being good at people is a lot about knowing dynamics and picking up on things, and I'm not gonna say I'm the best, but I'm really good with people. I notice things, I pick up on how they feel... especially when I'm talking with my friends."

She tries, anyway.

And she can absolutely guess who might have been disappointed but not mad, and said something about it. All the more reason to be talking one on one.

"I am! And it's something I'm glad for, because even though I love my girls - as much as Mamochan loves his boys - it's different with them. I'll always be Usagi, but I'm their princess. I'll be their queen someday, even if I better not be anyone else's queen, and it's nice to be with friends who don't have that in mind. We're friends who love each other and we fight by each other's side, and it's not anything else. No past lives, no far-gone tragedies, no duty, no obligation. I'm not holding you back, from anything, and we're equals."

That matters. That matters so much, and it's not that she's not an equal to her girls - it's that she's not the same as them, no matter what she'd want to be.

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy nods along at 'good with people' anyone can see Usagi's that.

    She raises an eyebrow at Usagi stating she will be queen one day -- and then it lifts higher as she says but not anyone else's queen. Amy's not entirely sure what sort of queenship that is, exactly, but... not this conversation.

    She nods at how it is nice to have someone who's not tied up in your past-life tragedies and royalty-and-guardian duties, that makes sense. "Okay, yeah, I see that." She smiles. "That's right, you're not holding me back, I never said--"

    Amy blinks. "Wait, are you... oh. Do they feel... oh. You just wanted to be a housewife, and they have things other than Pretty Guardians they wanted to be, huh. And I know you wouldn't demand they not be those things in a million years, but..." She gestures vaguely. "Past lives, duties, memory of a time where they were your sworn protectors and the world ended."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
The eyebrow lifts, and Usagi could leave it unanswered but - she can't, really. It is a part of this conversation.

"Princesses grow up to be queens, when they get to grow up," she says quietly. "I'm the Silver Millennium's Princess, and Mamoru is the Golden King's Prince, and even if most of our people are gone, even if almost all his kingdom was built over again and mine is empty where no one might ever see, my Senshi... his Shitennou... we're all still here. I'm going to be their queen. He's going to be their king."

Even if there's no grand rule, no society to built over and again, there will be them, and she nods, because Amy's putting things together -

"I'm your friend. And I'm their friend. But I'm their princess. They'd sacrifice themselves for me because they love me... and because I'm the Princess. They'd listen to me, even if it's not what they necessarily think is right, and they might decide to obey, but they'd give my voice more weight, just because of who I am."

She knows these things, the way she knows the sky is blue and the ground is beneath her feet and that she loves her friends with all her heart and that they'd rather break hers by putting her first than ever even consider the chance of letting her fall with them.

"I did. I do. I - all I ever wanted was to be a housewife, and have a family, and I know my girls all want things, and have dreams, too. I know there are things they want. Things they need. But it's not like they were my sworn protectors, and now that's all over - they're still my Senshi. I am still their princess. That's what it means to be one of us, Amy-chan. The Princess and her Senshi. The Prince and his Shitennou. One of them but not all the way."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Princesses grow up to be queens, and Amy's mind jumps to the same place as Usagi's words. She listens and nods.

    That's what it means to be one of us. "So it's a bit like someone pretending to have a soul gem and talking like they're one of us... And if we end up in a puella magi-only timeline and people need disguises, I'm fine with it, and if something like the Black Moon Clan comes back from another timeline and a friend wants to mess with them to help us, I'm fine with them taking that on as long as they realize the risk, and they may be my friend, and it maybe would be okay to get the costume out certain other times or in certain other contexts where it won't... read that same way, but..."

    Amy half-grimaces. "It'd feel kinda weird if they just, kept doing it, to be included. When they don't have limited magic, and they won't ever be at risk of turning into a Witch. But I also wouldn't suggest they actually become a Puella Magi, unless they were in a rare situation like mine or Tomoe-san's. Uh, not Hotaru-san, I mean--"

    And then she stops, as she realizes, "Ah. Sorry, that was... Not my story to tell." She grimaces. "Just like there's stuff about your Senshi that like, they know, or you might tell one about the other and it's okay..."

    "My screwup blabbing. Uh, suffice to say, there are times a Wish is really needed."

    She takes a breath and leans back in the chair. "And I see what you mean. It's hard for me to imagine what Madoka's side of all this is like for her, but she's kind of our goddess, or will be, or could be, or yeah, I guess there's a lot of weird timey-wimey stuff going around."

    "And it's not like she commands us," Amy sits up, "but she can help us in ways no one else can, and if the worst happens, after you kill my Witch she'll talk to me one last time before I... move on, to whatever happens next. And that's... it's her that can do that because only she can, regardless of if I'm not as close to her as some of my other friends."

    She takes a breath and lets it out. "Phhhhew. Our lives sure got crazy, huh?" But she smiles to Usagi.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
As Amy process through her thoughts out loud - sharing what it would mean to her to have some pretending to be a Puella Magi, claiming the symbols and the connection without having the weight of it, and not for the first time does she think of the deal that Puella Magi have, a single granted wish in exchange for a lifetime of anxieties, of managing even more types of resources than usual.

It doesn't take a genius to know Usagi wouldn't have lasted - she'd have flamed out, fast and quick, overwhelmed with dread and pouring her all into the fights she got into without enough thought for strategy and used up all her magic. She wouldn't have lasted or thrived like Amy-chan has.

It would probably be weird to compliment her on that, though. It's not the kind of thing you should compliment someone on, not when it could be read as an insult to those who couldn't.

"You've got it right," Usagi says, instead, and as Amy fumbles over mentioning something she clearly shouldn't have, she says, "Don't worry, I won't ask. It's personal, and you didn't mean for me to hear that. Somethings... you end up only able to really, really talk about with someone who can relate too well."

She thinks of Madoka, her friend, a girl who in another life was a goddess, and could be again, who disappears sometimes, nearly forgotten, an embodiment of hope and perseverance, and she thinks -

Maybe I should talk to Madoka-chan about that, sometime.

The thought passes, and she lets it go. "I know. Sometimes I get my head fuzzy just remembering two lives, and she's got so much more going on, her and Homura-chan."

She giggles a little instead, nodding at Amy's understatement. "They really did. I mean, who could have guessed this is where we'd be, two summers ago? I never even thought I'd end up in a smarty pants school like Radiant Heart."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Usagi might not have been able to hold back her magic, but Amy without her friends would never have lasted or thrived either. But this isn't voiced.

    About Mami, she cocks her head to the side slightly. "It's not that I don't think you'd get it, it's pretty simple. It's just... I shouldn't have connected a name to the example."

    Then she turns her head to stare into the distance a moment. "But then... yeah, there's some things that're... Like, I kinda wish there was someone else in my situation to talk to, the gender-and-previous-life part I mean, but I guess some things are also just unique to us. You don't have any other moon princesses to talk to."

    Oh wait. "Except future you. Alternate future you, I mean."

    She nods at the bit about Madoka and Homura having so much more going on. She doesn't know the full truth of Homura, only that something caused Madoka to have fragmented memories of like a hundred timelines, and that's a lot.

    Amy blinks. "It's a smarty pants school? I mean, well... I guess it is kinda exclusive, huh. I didn't really think about it before. I was just happy to get a job anywhere, and then two summers ago my life changed forever and there was an impossible invitation..."

    She sucks air in through her teeth and shakes her head at a thought. "I dunno if I coulda gotten in normally... well, me now, anyway. My test scores usedta be really high, but I sure wasn't ready to go to a foreign country, and..." she shakes her head. "Other things. Doesn't matter now."

    She looks at the ground. "Besides the obvious, though..." She looks back to Usagi, "Would we even have as many close friends, if we didn't have, well, the common experience of fighting magical evil together?"

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
At the clarification, Usagi nods, head bobbling, lip pursed and thoughtful. "That makes sense. I won't ask anymore! I'll try to forget you said anything."

She does, vaguely, know a Puella with name Tomoe, but she - well, she isn't going to say much about that. It's not to be spoken of for now, and besides, she hasn't seen that girl in some time.

"I didn't really get to talk to future me for very long," she sighs, "And yeah, I mean - I'm sure there are other trans girls, but other trans girls with past lives? Probably harder to find... but being different does just make it so it's nicer to connect with people, when we can connect."
R
A bright side to the search!

"It is! It's really exclusive and they don't take that many students, and I mean, my old middle school wasn't a bad school, but I'm not the 'gets scouted' sort. My Mama wasn't letting me turn down the chance, I was kicked right to the dorms as soon as we got in..." she's told Amy that story before, so she doesn't linger. "I think you sell yourself short, though. You're really smart, and you like knowing things. You'd probably have been able to get in, if you were really looking!"

The question - and the way Amy looks at the ground a moment before she asks - makes Usagi pause, and she considers her friend a long moment.

"Of course we would, silly. Sure, it would be different - we'd have never almost died for each other - but we'd still be us, so we'd still be friends. We'd be close in different ways, and for different reasons, that's all."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy corrects dryly, "Trans girls who used to be older or whose body magically changed in ways absolutely impossible without magic? Let alone 'and'... If they knew the truth, they'd be envious... Although the veil doesn't make that an option, anyway."

    She sighs. "I've come out to a few classmates as practice, but if certain questions are asked I'm gonna have to lie and make up some intersex condition... err, variance. Although up through mid-last century or so, trans folks sometimes had to lie the same way to hide that they chose to change themselves."

    She looks to Usagi as her friend discusses her past. She'd heard some of this before... and them blushes a bit at the compliment. "Uh... th, thanks." Although a frown flickered across her face at 'really looking'.

    She watches Usagi-chan think and finally speak. She smiles awkwardly, "I guess. Oh," she shakes her head, "I'm not-- I don't mean like, dismissively, just, it's kinda hard for me to picture this scenario. Like there still needs to be some magic, or I'm very different, or..." She thinks for a moment, staring up at the skyline.

    "...I guess, if... that change was the only supernatural thing, and we weren't magical girls... yeah. You were so popular I didn't think you were approachable at first... w-well, I didn't know how to approach anyone."

    She smiles again, without reservations this time. "And if we got past that and did talk somehow, I'd see how you're just a likeable person, and... apparently so am I. Once enough folks got me to believe it."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"I mean, yeah, they might be envious - or maybe not. Who knows? Maybe your body is perfect for you, but not what everybody else wants." Usagi can't know, but - she can't imagine that everyone would hate it... "But the Veil does make it impossible to share everything."

And then Usagi pauses -

"You know... people aren't going to ask, you know? Not to your face, anyway. It would be - that would be really rude." Asking anything that would require a lie about being intersex - no one's going to ask. She can't imagine being that bold. "What? You frowned, what's up?"

But on the other subject -

"You didn't think I was approachable? Really? That's funny... I mean, I was a normal girl! Mmm, maybe that was it? And you are a likeable person! You're kind of hard on yourself, but you really don't need to be, Amy-chan. You're definitely the kind of person that people can like."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Not what everybody else wants. Amy looks down at herself. "Mmh. But I mean, jealous that I got what I wanted." She nods at the bit about the veil. "I wish I could share having their ideal body with everyone... Oh you meant telling them what happened. Mm, that too. It's easier to be open, there's just the fear of it being seen as weird."

    People aren't going to ask. Amy just kind of gives Usagi an uncomprehending stare, like she just said 'oh come on no one would ever /lie/, that would be dishonest!' Usagi really is very kind...

    She's called out on the frown, though, and looks away, frowning again. "'If you were really looking.' It... sounded ableist. I know you didn't mean it that way, but others' judgement of whether I was 'really' anything, seriously trying or not, is generally unkind. Results do not correspond to effort or struggle."

    "Now, I know that teachers' praise when I do well on a test that was easy for me is empty at best, or worse," she clenches her fists, "waiting to be turned into a dagger in my back when I don't know how to do something or find it overwhelming."

    As for the other thing... she rubs her arm. "Historically, me trying to make friends by just walking up to someone and talking with them... That worked maybe a few times ever? And even with those few I wasn't close."

    "There's an additional factor, as you get older. And I understand it better now, thinking of things from this perspective. A lotta guys out there are creepy, and after dealing with them you gotta wonder, when some guy walks up to you out of the blue, is this one gonna be another one of those? And even I could kinda pick up on that."

    "Oh no, I must seem like a creep. And how can I even begin to prove I'm not, when statistically, most people think I'm pretty weird? Am I creepy for bothering her?" Amy shakes her head.

    "I guess people really are nicer at this school. And also you're young, and maybe don't have as much guard up yet but remember where I was mentally over two years ago. I wasn't... thinking in terms of here at first. And yeah, over the summer I could get used to 'oh right people see this," she gestures at herself, "not a guy', but furthermore..."

    She looks at Usagi. "You're popular. I don't sort the world into some kinda heirarchy where that means I believe you're automatically too good to talk to me or anything, but I did think it meant you had that... social acumen, that charisma, that could turn on me in ways I couldn't even see or understand. You're pretty nice, not an alpha bitch, but... when I didn't know you personally? Like... if you found me weird, that seemed it'd be bad for me."

    She looks down at the ground. "I didn't talk to people much outside of magic and class activities 'cuz..." She rubs her arm nervously. "I didn't wanna fuck up this second chance and be the weird outcast again, ya know? But that coulda been a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"I mean... maybe," Usagi frowns, "I don't know about that though. I mean... is it their ideal body, or just a body they think they need, because of how the world makes them feel? Sometimes... it can get really hard." She had heard about Makoto's akuma, and wished more than anything that she could have that. "And yeah, some people might get jealous. That's... a sad part of life."

Sometimes you had things other people didn't, and that just... is how things are. There's changing the world, and then there's just changing... existence, and Usagi just isn't the sort of girl who tends to think about the latter.

"What! Don't just stare at me, has anyone you've come out to asked you about anything like that? In person? I bet not, because it would be horrifyingly rude." It's not just about being nice, or expecting kindness from others - it's just knowing, to her bones, what is and isn't acceptable.

"I mean... I'm sorry it came across that way, really! I just meant - I mean, you don't really try at school now?" Usagi shrugs. "I'm not judging! I'm trying harder than ever, but it's not like it's my favorite thing, but - I mean, everyone's heard you talk about how high school and university don't matter. Even now," she nods at the teacher remark, "You're really cynical about all that stuff. I think you can do a lot! But it all depends on well... I quit trying at school a long time ago, till Dari-kun, and then Ami-chan. I've always been kind of bad at it, and it's not like I wanted to be book smart, so what did it matter? But you - you're the kind of person who does like learning, and even when you find things hard, you still try to learn. I'm not saying you don't care about school, or anything, but you're more likely than me to get into smarty pants school. I'm just here because of Sailor Moon."

Usagi frowns a little, as Amy delves deeper into her thoughts, her fears, her patterns of expectation...

"Maybe some of that's true. You do have to be careful, you have to be thoughtful, but... you also have to keep an open heart. And sometimes it's harder to make friends with people but... when you constantly think the worst, you miss a lot of opportunity, too. General you! Not you, you, that is."

At the phrase 'alpha bitch' Usagi actually snorts, shaking her head.

"I don't think people are nicer at this school - I mean, we've talked about that, but... I've only been at this school for two years. I did just walk up to people and start talking to them. It was a lot of legwork, but... well, I knowing people. I like talking to them, and figuring out what they like and don't like, how to make friends, how to be good acquaintances. I do have charisma."

She does. That's a complete sentence.

"I put a lot of my time into it, and into people, and understanding them. I'm good with people because I practiced and leaned in really hard and it worked out for me, and I guess that can be intimidating to people who aren't, or who haven't, or who don't get social things. But... it does sound like a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you're never putting yourself out there and never making friends, you'd always feel like an outcast."

A moment's pause.

"Good thing that didn't happen though, huh?"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    A sad part of life. Amy looks at the ground. "Beauty standards get to us all. Some may think they want some things they don't. Others may want them. ...I'm given to understand many can get somewhere they're okay with after a long and difficult road. But it would be easier to skip that. Would I have been strong enough to get through all that? I don't know. And some people will have things that are uncomfortable forever that they can't do anything about."

    She's slightly taken aback at the response to the stare. "N-no, but I've seen a lot of people say they dealt with that online! It seems to be a thing that happens! And I haven't told a lot of people at school, but like..."

    She looks away awkwardly, a bit uncomfortable but also it's a worry she's thought about a disproportionate amount and never had anyone to tell before. "People've seen me in a swimsuit for PE. I get changed with the other girls, some embarassing and improbable wardrobe malfunction could happen... If there was a trip to a ryokan with people I'd come out to... it wouldn't add up!"

    As for school...

    Amy hangs her head at the observation that she doesn't really try. "I mean, it seems pointless." Her hands ball into fists. "I tried trying and it didn't mean shit!"

    You're someone who likes learning. Her knuckles whiten and she glares at Usagi. "College is about destroying that! Taking what interests you and making it hell! And putting you in debt for years for the privelege!"

    She pouts at the ground and relaxes a bit. "...I know it's not that way for everyone. Some people can like... do it the right way naturally or whatever. Not me. This world's not built for me and it doesn't care. I have to find places that are and live how I can."

    Usagi tells how hard she worked. She didn't get popular by talent alone or just by being a cute girl. Amy listens as she tries to calm down.

    "It was more... fear of possibility than that you're scary. I mean except when you were New Moon, that was scary. When the baseline probability is high that I'm just gonna annoy people... I mean I guess I didn't consciously do out all this calculus, but... learned subconscious heuristics sensed potential danger."

    It didn't happen, though.

    "Heh. Yeah." She smiles, but her eyes water a bit. "People say a lot of things. Friends say a lot of things, and then everyone scatters to the wind after graduation and most don't see eachother again. I guess there's less danger of that now that I can live in your boyfriend's-- your husband's building." She blinks and looks at Usagi curiously. "Wait, are you guys gonna live together there? In the apartment with his boyfriends? An' one day raise a little Chibiusa, or whatever kid or kids happen in this timeline? Or do you like... I dunno. I didn't think about that. ...You do also have a whole moon palace I guess. And city."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"Easier, maybe, but would it be better? I don't know. And even then, there's always things that can't be fixed. Not even big things, but like... little things, too. Like someone being a better basketball player, or a having better eye for color. I think people should like themselves, but... I also think if people could just 'fix' everything they dislike about themselves in a minute, they'd erase themselves and forget who they are."
Maybe she's wrong. But that's her own opinion, as someone so thoroughly grounded in her form and life. Her body, a gift lovingly presented.

"Well, then that's some people's experience, though I'd really wonder if their own classmates really asked. And it's rude, too! But I think assuming the worst thing is always going to happen makes it more likely to happen."

As for what people might say on a trip - well -

"I think you're more aware of them than they are of you. Most people probably don't pay attention to you when they change, and if you went to a ryokan maybe they'd think something, but most people wouldn't ask. They'd be thinking about the baths and spa treatments instead. Strangers aren't ever thinking about us as often as we think they do."

And then Usagi cocks her head, and weights out the outburst - the clenched fists, the glaring, the snapped outrage and old hurts -

And gently says, "Then why do anything at all, if it went bad before?"

She lifts her arms, stretching in her seat, and says -

"College can do all those things. But I dunno if that's really what it's for. Sounds like that's just what happened to you at college, and those are different. College changed my papa's whole life, and showed him the kind of person he could be really happy to be. If he'd never gone, if he'd never taken the classes he did, met the people he did... I probably wouldn't have even been born."

She considers touching Amy then, reaching out and touching her shoulder, but decides instead to open her posture, lean a little in so Amy can decide if she wants that step.

"I think if you think that way, you'll... always feel a little outcast. But if that's how you feel, I can't change that. I'll just have to keep being your friend through it all."

That's all she can do, after all!

And when Amy's eyes start to water, she does reach out then, a one armed hug as they lean in the Book Nook's thick benches.

"My mama's moon could turn out to be made of cheese too, perfect for a bunny like me. Anything could happen, but... why be sad about maybes when you could be glad about todays?" Her tone is so gentle, not aiming for dismissive but striving to understand. "If something happens and our good times end, having spent a long time worrying about it won't make it hurt less."

"Oh, definitely! Well, maybe not right away - Mama and Papa probably wouldn't like that, and I'm going to go to university now, so I might look for my own place just for them to be happy about, but I'm sure one day soon we'll live there together, and raise a family."

Amanda Faust has posed:
They'd erase everything about themselves.
    "I didn't. I would've, as a kid. I wished I could just be replaced by a robot that would make parents and teachers happy and get along with other kids. ...Guess it's a good thing I didn't see Kyubey then."

    "But when I got a wish I could've changed my personality and I didn't. And..." She takes a breath to hold back a sob. "...I still don't want to Fade. Someone without all this baggage... she probably would be happier, right? Even with no memory and no past."

    "But she wouldn't be me."

    "...S'not even a question of Fade. Laura's mom can erase memories, right? If I thought that was better..." She wipes a tear from her eye. "I could do that right now. I mean not now now but like, we could probably work something out."

    "...I guess that's not the same as wishing to be someone else... but..." Amy shakes her head. "The things I wished to remove as a kid weren't bad. They were just what jerks chose to hurt me over."

    She struggles to get words out for a bit.

    "I started to learn that--" she wipes another tear, "--a couple years before it all happened, but I didn't get, a chance, like this. To meet people like you." She hangs her head. "...I wish... no, I wouldn't be me. But I wonder what life would be like if I'd been born later, and been here the first time." A tear falls into the sand, and another runs down her cheek. "If this was the first time."

    "I bet that girl'd have a wonderful future ahead. Not an easy one, but..." She shakes her head. "But she wouldn't be me."

Strangers don't think about us.
    Amy blinks at Usagi. "...Shit. I remember that I figured that out, once, but... It's never come to mind in awhile." She pulls a kleenex from her skirt pocket, blows her nose, dabs her eyes, repockets it to throw in trash later.

    "Every teenager is thinking 'oh no everyone will notice the thing I'm worried about' while surrounded by teenagers too busy thinking the same thing to notice what the others are worried about... But, at the same time, some people are singled out as 'weird.'"

    Why do anything? "To help others. That's what I signed up for. And in doing it I met you, and the others."

    Amy listens to Usagi talk of her beloved papa's experience, and holds in her words while Usagi finishes, but her face is going :[

    "...Glad it worked for him. Glad it worked for the people it works for." And seeing Usagi leaning in to touch, she leans in for a hug or a shoulder touch or whatever.

If something happens and our good times end, having spent a long time worrying about it won't make it hurt less.
    Amy eyes are wet again. "Isn't that what I always said before?" Another tear falls and she blows her nose again with the same kleenex. "If I got even a month of this before I died, I came out ahead. A year? Two? 100% worth the contract as long as you stop my Witch before I hurt people."

    "...I didn't live in the moment the first time around. I told myself I'd make more friends later. Find a girlfriend later. Hadta be a goody-two-shoes and do what the adults said, even though those same adults would never lift a finger to defend me from the other kids."

    "You an' Rashmi an' everyone, you've been the ones telling me I should hope for a future."

    Amy holds back a sob as a tear falls. She blows her nose again but it's wet and tears eww, she grabs another tissue to dab her eyes and nose with and wrap that one in and repocket it. (Soon after this, she starts resorting to conjuring a handkerchief and then un-conjuring it.)

Amanda Faust has posed:
    She looks at Usagi. "You wanna know the truth? Of course I wanna be useful. Of course I'll be selfless if I have to." She looks at the ground. "And I don't... expect more, like I said I'm already so far past all this being worth it. But..." She breathes to stifle a sob. "I hope... for more."

    "I hope that maybe if I keep helping people so they can make a better world, maybe one day someone will save me. Or the world they make will."

    "When we met Junichi, and he was an old man and said it was the duty of those living through this time, to make sure the young have a better world..." She takes a breath. "He was old. He'd given so much. And admittedly lived a longer and probably fuller life than most of us ever will. But in the moment all I could think was..."

    "That shouldn't mean he's used up his shot. That there's... no more, that it should be seen as a bonus if things happen to work out better. Because if I 'used up' my shot and all this is just a bonus and I shouldn't want any more, then..." she shakes her head.

    "Then no one would save either of us and that made me, so sad to think about. It's a sadness I can't stand, and I had to face it every day and turn away from it and be selfless and grateful that every day since the contract has been so much. A present shorter than most get, and no future. But because of me so many will live and I hope they don't suffer like I did. A consolation prize."

    "...Mamoru bought me time with his offer. Whatever happens, I'm not gonna be, like, homeless after graduation, or forced to struggle like I did before coming to Radiant Heart. A round peg ground against a square hole, forever. Rashmi says my friends wouldn't let that happen, anyway."

    Red eyes look at Usagi. "But my greed is endless. I wanted to be able to, to go out into the world and interact with people and not be seen as weird. After we graduate I want to get to do all that experimenting and figuring out everybody else got to do in college."

    She stares ahead into space. "I've finally realized the first will never happen. I'm not yet sure how to articulate... meeting the same needs, without it."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"You didn't," Usagi agrees, because that's whats important here, and because the hypotheticals don't matter in the face of a friends distress. "I don't think any of us want to Fade. It would change us, it would - take things away from us, that make us us. Whatever you'd remember or not remember, she wouldn't be you. And you're right! They weren't bad! Just like a lot of the things people want to change about themselves aren't bad. Like... I know you were there when Makochan got akumatized. There's nothing wrong with her, and there's nothing wrong with you, and whatever future that not real girl has is the future you could have. You're you, trauma or no trauma."

That's the truth of it, as far as she's concerned.

"Yeah. We're all busy with our own worries, and it's not just teenagers, its everybody. There are bad people, there are mean jerks, but assuming everyone is them instead of them being oddities is just - its being cynical."

And at the face, she huffs a little and says, "I'm not saying it worked out for my Papa because I want to say see, it can work. I'm just saying - you had a lot of really bad things happen to you. But it seems like you've decided that those things like, doomed to be bad, instead of seeing it as a bad time, or a bad coincidence. I fell in love with Endymion and a disaster unfolded that was so bad everyone died. But that wasn't love's fault. So, you know, maybe college isn't something meant to destroy dreams and hopes and love of learning, and it's just something that happened."

"No, because what you said before was about fatalism. I'm not saying be satisfied with things, or talking about coming ahead, I'm just saying - bad times come! People die. People we love, die. School ends. Time goes on, and it can be really sad, but it happens no matter what. We can't really change that. But we can try to live!" "That's what you've been doing, even if you don't realize it. Living in the moment, hoping for a future... it means actually letting yourself imagine that things can go right, instead of all the ways it could go wrong, or did go wrong before. You're in a whole new country! A whole new era!"

Usagi digs into her bag for kleenex and offers it as well, before Amy resorts to conjuring.

"All I can say is that you should keep having hope. You're not in the same world that you were. You're not back in the places you were, with the people you knew. You're here, in Tokyo, in 2025, and there are so many things to try and to do."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
At the mention of Junichi, and Amy's interpretation of what he said, she blinks, looking genuinely surprised.

"I... I can't speak for him, because even though I know Junichi, I know - this Junichi, who's only eleven and best friends with Shingo, but... I don't think that's what he meant? I mean - I think he meant that in a time of disaster, when there was so much trouble and not enough help... that he'd rather sacrifice himself than the young. That he was old and satisfied with his life and what he wanted to use the rest of it for was protecting the next generation. That doesn't mean that he was used up. It just means that he was deciding what he wanted his life to be used for. You're not used up, either."

"And it's not bad to want things! You watch so much anime, you're telling me you didn't watch Fullmetal Alchemist? You didn't remember what Greed said, about how everyone wants things? We all do! We all want things! It's not bad. I want things! I want things so much, that even though there was, again, a whole war and everyone died, I still found Mamochan again, and we still fell in love, and we still married! I want to be happy and safe and I want to have babies with Mamochan and raise them happy, I want to learn cooking with Makochan and go to Ami-chan's med school graduation!"

She's breathing harder after that outburst, panting.

" I think not wanting to be seen as weird just makes you more anxious because we're all weird. I'm weird, I'm pushy and extroverted and friendly put away that doesn't always work out for me, but I keep trying and if someone doesn't like it then I go my own way. People might always think you're weird. Maybe what you really want is for them thinking you're weird to not mess things up for you?"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy listens, nodding along, although she cocks her head slightly at 'you're you, trauma or no trauma' If memories aren't as core to identity as she's previously thought, that's... a question that probably needs its own deep philosophical consideration another time.

Just something that happened.
    "My words were bitterness... Obviously I don't think the intended purpose is suffering, although I do think the system is set up in a way misaligned with its stated purpose. But it hurt me."

    "But it's not some personal slight, some enmity on their part. It's not like they said, hey, let's hurt Amanda," there's a brief hesitation as she ponders whether to use that name talking about that time and decides it's fine,

    "...But it was built and designed without even the consideration that there could be me or anyone like me. And then it blamed that on me. Said I'm lazy. Not trying hard enough. Not disciplined enough." Her fist clenches a little.

    "I didn't understand back then. I knew something wasn't right -- if I loved learning how could they ruin it? But everyone said the problem was me. And when you keep hearing that and can't find any proof to the contrary, you start to believe it."

    She listens thoughtfully to much of the rest, although something's still bugging her.

I think he meant that he'd rather sacrifice himself than the young.
    "Exactly! Exactly the same as how I felt when this all started! We're taught to sacrifice ourselves, especially the guys. And I've, like... I don't see myself quite that way, after..."

    "...Iunno, it was kinda gradual. After the first few fights it was clear extra years of remembered existence sure didn't mean I was any better-suited to protect the rest of you." She looks a little annoyed at admitting, "But it's, y'know, embarassing, if you thought of yourself as a grown-up, to face that... maybe you're not anymore, even if in some ways I very clearly wasn't an adult woman and was never really an adult man. I guess by around the time we went after Gaito I was consciously getting over it after subconsciously adjusting... I dunno, a lot earlier."

    "...Anyway, feeling like I'd kinda... already had my chance and didn't deserve a future persisted for a long time. Rashmi started talking that out of me earlier this year. So... that..."

At some point she may have been told to stop the tangent and listen to the rest. He was deciding what to use his life for. Very different from dismissing his value.

    "Oh." Well, now she looks embarassed. "...Oh. That's..."

    "...I guess that's what I felt, inside. That there was value still, in him and in me."

It's not bad to want things! Didn't you watch Fullemtal Alchemist?
    Amy can't look her in the eye but admits, "Yes my tongue was a little in cheek there! I, it's the same as the I-still-have-value thing! I was taught all this was more than I ever deserved, and I knew it was wrong but when I complained no one was ever on my side! I was always told I was wrong and unreasonable after all, look at all these other people who had to work harder than me to get good test scores and they manage, people who struggled without middle-class parent's resources to get opportunities, and the problem is with you, Amanda, the source of your problems is you!"

    By the end of that tirade tears are in her eyes again and her voice is starting to screech.

Amanda Faust has posed:
Maybe what you really want is them thinking you're weird not to mess things up for you?
    "Yes!" Amy holds out her hands in a 'look! here it is!' gesture. "Exactly!"

    "Since a couple years before all this happened I started to see it... what I was saying before, about the system never made for me. And when I recognized that, I felt a little better. Noticed things like ways the apartment was messy and instead of focusing on 'ugh you need to try harder' thought in terms like 'maybe I should have a recycling bin in easy reach of anywhere I spend much time', that kinda thing. But, like..."

    I still couldn't see a future to care about and reach for because I didn't wanna be a guy but I didn't know that. Otherwise... maybe the Academy mighta had some resources that could help me if I found a path I wanted to take." She shrugs. "Doesn't matter now."

    "But..." She looks to Usagi again. "Like you said, I learned to live more in the moment. Like, like this is a precious vacation before I have to go back to that world. Is kinda how I started to see it. And for awhile I needed to just, enjoy that vacation and not worry about after. Plus the whole, might die in battle anyway thing."

    She looks ahead again. "But now here we are. And like... as our class starts planning for the future it's getting harder and harder to ignore. And I have to go... I'm gonna... I might just survive and hafta go back to the world that doesn't fit."

    "And... when I had considered a future... I figured either I had to end up basically taken care of by someone, or hoping that this time when I try to fit a system never meant for me, it works. Although it always kinda sickened me a bit to think that a change in outward appearance could be the deciding factor. 'Cuz that means... without magic I woulda never had a chance. That what I was inside didn't matter."

    Words keep spilling out. "And... I guess... well more than that changed, obviously. I've... got friends. I know things I didn't. And I've seen how around the right people, the stuff I was always told made me a problem didn't." She takes a breath.

    "...But even if I can bend myself into shape to fit a square hole... now I've realized that's just another way to be miserable." She looks to Usagi. "So yeah. We're all weird is something I realized over the past few years, and a world where people don't act like that's a problem would be so much better. Remember what I said about a Halloweentown type place?"

    She lifts her hands palms-up with a slightly exagerrated shrug. "Being weird not messing things up for me? Sounds great. But is 2025 Tokyo really a place like that, outside of among my friends? I mean. Japan isn't exactly known for how little it cares about conformity, and we're-so-individualist-everybody-can-have-guns-if-they-want country wasn't enough in the first place."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Bitterness was definitely there, and Usagi is glad Amy knows it but - "Sometimes, you speak from bitterness in a way that's really hard to tell if it's just bitterness or if it's what you really think."

Seems like something she should know. She listens attentively to what she has to say - and she can relate! She can understand. "I get that. It can hurt! I mean, I'm not great at school. I can't focus the way other people can, I need a lot of things explained in lots of different ways, I have to practice a lot more than some people to get things. I don't really remember ever liking to learn, but I figured out a long time ago that I could try my best and fail or try my worst and fail, and one way I'd at least have more fun."

She shrugs.

"But that was because I needed help, and Mamochan and Ami-chan especially make sure I get lots of it, so I'm doing better now. It would be good if school could be different but that's hard too; I mean, especially because we're figuring out new things all the time, about the different stuff people need. It's not good that college hurt you, or that you needed things they couldn't give you... but it also doesn't mean that every college would fail, now, too. I don't think you want to go back, but if you did, maybe you'd have a different experience."

They come to some understanding about Junichi - though there's a look on Usagi's face, full doubt, when Amy says that men are raised to sacrifice themselves especially, because she doesn't think that's necessarily true. There are a lot of ways women are supposed to sacrifice themselves, especially... but that's not a topic for now.

"...Some of that makes sense to me. You thought you were the adult, and all, and I mean - yeah, you're older than us...but I'm glad you kinda figured some of that out. Because yeah! Junichi-kun does still have a lot to live for, in that era. But when he was ready to die for the young people of his time, there... wasn't really anyone else who could fight for them, you know? It's a good thing you helped."

She definitely doesn't want to get wires crossed and leave Amy thinking there was any bad in them saving the day and stopping Junichi and Naru and their friends from across time from dying, even if she's pretty sure ot won't happen -

She's not going to say maybe some of the problem was Amy, because she doesn't think she'd... understand what she means, that maybe there were problems in her ability to meet expectations, like there were problems that Usagi had, and they don't make her a problem but the problems are themselves problems, and well -

Sometimes you just... have to decide you're okay with that.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
She listens again, and when Amy starts discussing the future again, she nods, and there's a flicker of sorrow on her own face.

"Yeah. Our school dream is coming to an end, and we're going out into the world. We have to grow up and go out there and... I don't know entirely what it means for the world to not fit, because I always thought... well, I never thought the world was sized to fit individual people, I guess? It's all for the betterment of the group as a whole, not anyone person. So it's hard for me to imagine how a world that's built for individual people. I mean - even in that Halloweentown movie - which is scary - it wasn't for everyone. That Sally girl didn't feel like she fit in. And Jack didn't either, because he was stuck doing things he didn't want to either..."

She remembers the conversation - two years ago, but it wasn't long before her first time being Akumatized and she hasn't forgotten the experience.

"I think it depends on what you think being weird is what you think things being messed up for you is," she says bluntly, "Because - yeah, you're all... you want things to be like America but better, and we live in Tokyo, sure! But also... how much has being weird actually made things bad for you here? And now? In the life you have?"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy furrows her brow. "What they considered trying my best didn't actually exist. And trying to do it... Hurt my love of learning in a way that never really recovered." She folds her arms. "No one goes 'you need help' when you're gifted. They say 'We know you can do better than this' and 'why aren't you trying' and 'you need more discipline.'" She sounds a bit more stressed as she recalls it.

    She nods at Junichi and Naru and everyone still having something to live for, and smiles at being on the same page there. So maybe she can have something to live for, too.

    She tenses up upon hearing that yeah, the school dream is coming to an end.

    "...It's not... for individual people, but... being for a group means being for everyone in the group, you know? And... my point about settings with like, all these wildly different intelligent creatures living together is like... that it is for all of them. They left some out in that movie, but if they can accomodate such wildly different people, would it really have been a stretch for them to try and accomodate Sally and Jack, too? But uh... I guess they were also... too stuck in thinking things had to be that one kinda spooky, and so they didn't understand a few people wanting something different."

    Amy slumps her shoulders. "But that's all it'd take. Is, everyone accepting that everyone can be different."

    Here and now? She hugs herself. "Radiant Heart is safe. And maybe I can get a staff position here afterwards. Or, thanks to Mamoru, I can try different things without having to support myself or being unable to leave if I struggle there. B-but..."

    She takes a breath and lets it out again, relaxing her arms. "Maybe there's other bubbles, but that's all there is. At the end of the day... Most of the world will get by just fine without accepting me, so it won't bother to."

    "It's gonna expect a different mask than last time. And cute neurotypical girl is a mask that fits better than, than neurotypical man. But it's still a mask. The moment they see through it?"

    She looks at Usagi. "I'm weird. My brain will never work like theirs. They can't beat it into that shape, and I can't either. We all tried."

    She looks down at the ground, feeling a tightness in her throat. "...That's... Well, part is that I did want things to be nicer for all of you even when I thought I was doomed, but... Some of you aren't gonna fit in either. And that's why I wished we could change things somehow, and make them, make them more like Crystal Tokyo."

    "Because as far as I can tell it's a... a sickness of the mind. People regard weirdness as bad, and as long as that's more culturally acceptable than being weird, people will continue to hurt eachother and themselves, and I don't know how to fix it and make the world change, and... it's not something we're really gonna be able to do. And what about all the people who don't fit in and don't have a friend like Mamoru? Who don't have a support network of friends like you all?"

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Usagi ponders pointing out that ungifted students also don't get any help, but well - it's not a competition. It's just how Amy feels. And she feels much more hurt by being unable to meet the expectations than Usagi does. She wonders if that's what being called gifted means to some people - that people get invested in being smart and then it hurts even more when they 'aren't'.

...It kind of makes her glad that she's never made her parents proud when it comes to grades.

It probably won't help to mention it, though, so she doesn't. She just says -

"It means trying to help as many people in the group as possible, and being harmonious, which doesn't necessarily mean being a place where everyone can be everything all the time," Usagi says, and she's not trying to argue but more - trying to explain what it means to her, as someone who grew up here, in this place, and time. "It's helping each other, and making sure that we're not creating a disaster in public, or making people suffer for our problems - the whole, tatemae and honne, you know?" She's referring to two concepts that have been fairly central to Japanese society since the post-war era began - concepts that exist in other societies, to be certain but have a certain weight in Japan. The concept of public behavior and private feelings is important to managing in society - and it's just a part of what is owed to one another, as she's always thought. Is the world somewhere where you can just throw your whole, complicated self out and expect everyone to welcome all of that messiness?

She's not sure. She certainly knows there are conversations and feelings she wouldn't have everywhere and with everyone and expect all the times. There are troubles she has that are just - her problem, not problems the world should fix for her...

"Everyone is different, but I think... there's a difference between the world not being able to stop you for being different, not being able to prevent you from doing things and like... people not thinking you're weird, or not wanting to be a friend. In the movie, it wasn't for everyone, and I don't know... it's a beautiful dream, to want a world where you can be all of you, all the time, everywhere. I don't know if a place like that really exists, but it's definitely a future I can see you working towards."

It's definitely something to think about.

"Your brain is different - lots of peoples are, and not everyone is the same or needs the same things... but we all wear masks. Different faces, different things that we need. And life can be really hard - I've been fortunate, my whole life, and I definitely know that. Some people will suffer, and we'll all do our best to make a world where people don't have to - or well, some of us will, I won't speak for everyone!"

Public policy and practice and what makes things better - those are things she's already had to accept she needs to learn, to get familiar with, just in case, but also because she kind of... she kind of really cares.

"But I think you have to keep learning too, if you want that. About what other people want and need and why they are the way they are. Why cultures evolve, and why we're the way we are and your family is the way it was... because the world doesn't change without us learning about each other and meeting each other halfway."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    "I.. I'm not saying everyone can be everything all of the time..." Japanese concepts are brought up. "It's... true that you can't... like yes there's a degree of, everyone wears masks a little bit, we don't talk about some things in some places..."

    She frowns, trying to figure out how to draw a line. "But no one should be shamed and punished just for being different or not being able to blend in."

    "And if people have two incombatable things about them... like person A has trouble keeping the volume of their voice down, and person B can't stand loud noises... then like... they can try to manage and work together and maybe some days they just don't have the energy to be around eachother but it shouldn't be framed as one of them is a terrible person just for what they struggle with or what they can't stand."

    Meet halfway... She sighs. "That's just it. I would love for everyone to try to meet eachother -- I'm not asking for anything I wouldn't give in return. I, I know people are different from me and that's OK, although they could just tell me that they don't want overly specific instructions or to hear so much about a special interest, instead of acting like I'm deficient."

    "The same as I'll tell them that I need specific instructions. And when I say I have trouble being on time for things outside school on my own, they can believe that and not take it as assuming I want to disrespect and hurt them. ...That one hasn't really come up so much in this life, but once life doesn't have a school schedule anymore I am screwed outside like, a work schedule."

    She shakes her head. "But that's not how it works. When people call one thing 'normal' they can force people to be it. They don't have to meet people halfway. So most of them won't even try -- and while rare people like you or my other friends that I have now might see how they're being jerks... You're in the minority there."

    "It's not just people. It's institutions and artifacts. Phone menus that are designed to drive me insane when I have an issue that doesn't fit one of the options. Test questions. And forms you have to fill out all through life. They constantly do this unclear question shit. And unlike you, a piece of paper can't meet me halfway. Teachers here are pretty nice, but... Exam proctors? Civil servants? They will just shake their heads. And little things like that will be all over the place."

    She folds her arms. "The whole thing is fucked up."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"I don't think people should be shamed or punished for not fitting in either... but I also think - I mean, no they're not terrible for having those differences. But if one of them thinks the other isn't the kind of person they want to hang out with, because one's too loud, and the other's too quiet... is it so bad if they don't want to meet each other halfway, and don't want to spend time together?"

She cocks her head, curious about that.

"Because neither of them is wrong, but if they can't coexist together, or if it's a hard thing to do, maybe they do think the other is terrible. And that's okay? I mean - people don't always get along. I mean, as long as the government isn't stepping in too far?"

She listens and nods a little and - frowns a bit too, trying to understand.

"I don't really know what you mean, having trouble being on time to things," she admits, "Unless you mean you tend to be late a lot, because you lose track of time? But... I think that's the kind of thing where people would get upset by that, or, maybe just not want to make plans with you, by yourself? And that might end up hurting your feelings, which I don't think anyone would want either. It's a situation where maybe no one's at fault but even if you don't mean to hurt them, being kept waiting hurts, and they don't mean to hurt you, but not getting invited hurts too..." she's pondering the thought - which, yeah, she has been a few minutes late to things, though she tries not to be, (being late to class is a bit of a given, though less so these days with class being closer to bed).

"There's always going to be a normal. I mean, as long as there's a group of like... five people, there's going to start being normal. People are all just people, and people like making rules about things - about what's normal and what's not and what's okay and what's not. But I also think you're being cynical about people not being willing to meet halfway, but... that's not something anyone but you can change, so I won't try to. But..."

She pauses.

"Well, living off the grid in Tokyo is really hard but it almost sounds like you want to live off the grid. Like the world needs to be smaller, so it fits you, because... test questions? Forms? If those are the sorts of things that make you feel you can't live in the world... well, things make more sense for you."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    Amy shrugs. "I mean yeah, two people can just not get along. But that's not the same as demanding everyone be a certain way. It's just an interaction between two people."

    "...It's something to work on, yes. In an ideal world, there'd be resources for figuring out why you're late for things other than 'obviously you don't care'. I started figuring that stuff out a couple years before the change, but... I didn't have friends here, so it didn't really... matter, anymore."

    Live off the grid? She looks at the ground, and her fists clench at her side. "You know me. I don't want to be alone, and I... I like interacting with people, when they're not awful. I maybe even need it. And figuring myself out is easier with information from others who have the same struggles. And like. I need make-brain-work-better meds."

    "I would be freaking miserable trying to live alone in the woods or whatever. But if I can't manage that either..."

    She looks away and crosses her arms. "...Then what? Someone's taking care of me? That's functionally the only sort of solution I could see, even a year ago. And... honestly? It was a happy thought, at first. The only future I could envision."

    "...But it gnawed at me, too. Makes me feel like... I'd be failing at being human. Which, I mean, I guess I was most of my life." Anger creeps into her words. "At least pet is a goddamn step up from worthless."

    "...But lately I started thinking like... but I can do stuff. I can help people. Even aside from magic, if there's life after this, like... I don't need to be taken care of, I just need to live with people who can cover what I'm bad at and I can help them in turn. Some kind of... better community. That's why... if it weren't for the contract, I'd seriously consider moving to Crystal Tokyo if we ever like, finish saving the world from dark magic or something."

    She looks to Usagi, still kind of angry at the world. "And now maybe I can have that, at Mamoru's place, or working something out with friends, but still... that's just it. It's a bubble. But the rest of the world..." She waves a hand and looks away. "I don't fit on their grid."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"You like people, but you hate society. I do know you. You like helping, and you like doing things for people, and you're burnt out on the bad things and almost never think of good things that can happen, because you were hurt, and you're always worried about being hurt again. But even now - you mostly think about the bad things that could happen, or might happen, and not the good things. You shoot it down when people say things could be better, because you don't really believe it."

And it's sad. It's very, very, very sad. It's also not something Usagi can fix, not in a real way.

"I mean, even in this world, there are resources! And maybe you couldn't reach them in your old life, but I bet you could reach them here, with some help. Or even if you couldn't figure out tools for why, there could be tools to help with the symptoms. But... you really, really, really don't believe in people. Or the world. Or that things can actually get better, without a horrible, awful disaster that changes everything, or like, a revolution. And because... because even now, you see the options as 'someone takes care of you' or 'you fail to live off the grid'. I mean, what if you found a job somewhere that you enjoyed doing? Or what if you and a friend rented an apartment, and you both had jobs that you liked?"

There's not pity in her eyes, but there is a sadness there - a sadness, and a reality.

"You think you need to go to Crystal Tokyo to find that kind of community, when there are people here for it, but - it takes a lot of work. It's hard. And you've been through a lot." Sometimes people don't have it in them for anymore hard things.

"It's not a bubble. It's living in the world. It's part of it. That's what people do. You support one another, and you help each other out, and you do the best that you can and like... you muddle along. But I can't change your mind, or make you give the world another try, or look at things differently, so... I guess, the best I can say is... I'm glad you're you, and that we can help you make sure Kyubey doesn't get what he wanted out of the contract, and that we could talk, about all of this. Even if it's way off from where we started."

A beat.

"...and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, about... well, about that crush. It's kind of awkward to mention it now, but if I don't do it now, when will I? The world's kind of constantly in danger. But... Amy-chan, I don't think I like-like you, but I like you as a friend. And if you wanted to try a date, or something - I'd be down. But I think we'd probably argue a lot, since we disagree on things a lot, and I hope that would be okay."

Amanda Faust has posed:
    She clenches her fists again at 'don't believe it.

    What if. "The odds against finding such a thing are astronomical. Aside from working at the school, but if that ever didn't work out... Again, unless now that I have connections... It's not something you can count on. Although, thanks to Mamoru, now I'll be able to try and try and not have failing be the end of everything."

    "And that works, hopefully, but... I'm always gonna know it was only luck that I got that chance. And that I'm living in a world that wouldn't give the same to those less lucky. And I'm not sure what's worse, knowing that, or managing to forget it."

    "And if I'm not fighting to change that, it feels a bit like... like I'm letting the world win. Being okay with this state of affairs. But I dunno how to fight it, I'm no good at it, and I don't know if I'll ever grow into someone who can, even if I do get a happy adult life."

I'm glad you're you.

    She looks at Usagi, who can see her eyes starting to water a bit, slightly surprised. It's not that it doesn't fit, it makes sense, it's just... something she's seldom heard out loud.

    She goes for a hug. A tight one.

It's kind of awkward now...

    Amy nods. "That's fine. I... dunno if dates are really... I dunno. I guess I'll try that with Miho and see how it goes." She lets go and steps back. "Maybe it's more like... I just wanna be close, with people, and... maybe I just don't quite see the lines between categories of relationship the same way other people do? Like, I'm some kinda ace, or demi, or whatever, and I never really understood the idea of dates as different than like, hanging out with a friend? This courtship thing, I don't get it."

    She shrugs, and smiles awkwardly. "Hannah kinda accidentally lovebombed me, if that's the word? Showed me affection, treated me like that, acted like I was worth something, and saw me as a girl and that was new at the time, and, and, I was in the right shape, the right place, in an interaction like that, all less than 24 hours after getting new teenage hormones. And that was the first time I ever got a really good hug, too."

    "Like, uh..." She glances away awkwardly, "Yeah. Of course I fell for her, also she was also the kinda person with the skills and confidence in social situations I lacked and even then I could kinda see how I needed someone like that."

    "So, I don't think... I think maybe that's not normal? Or how it usually is or usually would be, for me at least? And even then, we didn't really date all that much, either." She shrugs.

    "I dunno. I got a lot of stuff to figure out, and it's kind of exciting but also confusing. So I dunno how to say what I'm feeling or looking for in terms of what others feel, because I dunno what others feel, but I guess like, that's life, and in its own way having this sort of confusing experience is kinda... normal teenager-ness, right?"

    She's somehow wound her way to a more positive note, at least.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"You mean, it's luck from meeting Mamochan if you interview at some little bookstore and get the job?" She raises her eyes. "It's luck that you might pick up a job at a conbini and like the people in the neighborhood enough to want to stay on? The same could happen at a flower shop, or a library, or a doctor's office. You think the odds are bad that you could get a job that you like, but people get jobs that they can enjoy all the time. But you had one really bad life, and now you think you're doomed, and that's the cynicism. ...sorry if that was harsh. But that's what I mean. You think it's impossible for things to turn out good, and if they do, it must be luck that isn't just the way things could be, or connections from making friends with people who can help you, and you never consider that it was bad luck that your first life was so awful."

And maybe that's because its hard to imagine that there was a luck component, that things could have been better but weren't.

The hug is not unexpected. It's returned, because Usagi does love her friend, even if not that way, and she does like her, and she is glad she's herself - even if her cynicism drives her up the wall sometimes.

"And honestly? You can't change the world until you understand the world. Until you've talked it through and met people where they're at, people all over, and seen what they want and need. Because otherwise you're changing the world for you and not everybody."

Which, if the world has to change... it should absolutely be for the many. For what the most people need, for how it helps, for how it can reduce harm.

"I see a date as like... it's more than just hanging out with a friend. It's less casual, because hanging out is usually to relax, or to go and do something with someone, but to me, a date is because we're putting focus on each other. It's just me and the person I'm on a date with, and everything else is kind of secondary, at least until the youma crashes through the wall," she rolls her eyes a little, thinking of how many disastrous dates she's had.

"I guess... do you think you'd want things to change? When you think about having a crush on me, I mean? Or would it just be we keep hanging out the way we have, and sometimes we're sitting real close?"

She's fine with that. She loves hugs and cuddles and leaning in with friends. She can definitely do that.

"Oooh, yeah she swept you off your feet," she nods, head bobbling a bit, "And you weren't all sure and it got you all discombobulated... well!! Tht's the teenage experience! And we all deserve at least one part of it that's not magicly dumb!"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    It's luck? "It all sounds incredibly unlikely." is all she can say, and just shrugs at 'sorry if that's harsh.' "Maybe if things do work out better, I'll feel different, after awhile."

    "...You're right, that... even if I could change the world, how many sorts of people do I not understand just like people didn't understand me? So you're right, that it needs to be for everybody." Not the many. Everybody. Otherwise it's just tyranny of the majority. Although, the world trying to accept and accomodate people isn't the same as just giving them everything they want.

    Amy listens curiously at the description of... the point of a date. And does give a "Heh." and grimace at the bit about the youma.

    "I see. But like. If you're hanging out with someone... And you know them really well... doesn't that kind of make it special? The things you know eachother like and don't like, the references, just, getting eachother and being really comfortable because you can totally be yourself and they can too... That sounds pretty special to me."

    She thinks about what was said as things get to Hannah, and she smiles and nods at hearing it put that way, grinning. "Yeah! It... was really nice! And... it does feel really special, to have gotten to have that experience, you know?"

    As for the two of them, and how would she imagine things changing...

    "I mean... honestly, 'sometimes we're sitting real close' sounds nice? Although like... I'd probably be up for that with a lot of friends if they showed interest?" She glances away and adds softly, "And maybe more with girls..."

    "But like... Basically there was a misunderstanding with Miho where the way she worded something I thought she offered a sort of practice date to teach me what it was about and I was like, if you're asking me out on a date okay, and she was okay with the idea of dating, and then if we were sort of maybe dating then it was okay to be more affectionate with eachother and that feels pretty nice? Even if we've only actually had one not-sure-if-it-was-a-date-or-not going out for icecream."

    "And a date date the way you describe it... well it sounds interesting to try, but it doesn't seem necessary, although maybe it's one of those things where if I try it while understanding that's the point I'll be like oh, this is pretty great actually?" She shrugs.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"Well, sure it sounds unlikely to you. You think bad things are the only things likely to happen." She shrugs. "We'll just have to see, and hope. I mean, you don't want to go off the grid, and you don't want to be taken care of, so - the only thing left to do is try to be part of the world again and give it a shot."

That's all she can say to that. She hopes Amy does find some kind of faith in the world and humanity again, because otherwise, she'll be lonely.

"I don't think any one world can be a place for everybody," Usagi says, honest. "We all want and need different things. We all have to have certain like, protections, but otherwise? I don't think there's a world where we can all have the things we both need and want. Even Crystal Tokyo couldn't do that, and they had a loooong time to figure it out. Still, understanding people, and trying to understand them - not thinking we already know what's best - is the best way to start. Otherwise we end up like dumb Riventon, convinced everyone just needs to shut up and listen to us."

She is absolutely going to roast her brother in law any chance she gets. He shouldn't have lost it on her husband.

"Sure, that's special too! Getting to hang out with any friend is special but - I can't speak for you. But for me, when I'm on a date with Mamochan, or Ami-chan, and we're focusing just on us, having time just for us, that we set aside, just to do something romantic and be together... that's different from hanging out with even my closest friends."

She can't explain it better than that - it's something you have to feel, or not.

"Still... I'm... happy for you and Miho. Maybe you two can fit together." She thinks that Miho... could probably make Miho happy. And Amy is probably the only person she knows who wouldn't be embarrassed by how audacious Miho could be. So maybe they'd balance?

"It sounds special! Even if it didn't last forever, it still happened. It's an experience you can carry forever..."

Which is nice.

"Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. You could try like... talking to more people about it. I can only describe what I like about dating, but we know plenty of people in relationships."

She yawns a little, surprising herself.

"Oh man... we've been talking for a while, huh?"

Amanda Faust has posed:
    'You don't want to be taken care of' doesn't feel entirely right, thoughtfulness flickering on her face briefly, and she's not sure what that means. Is the problem concern about judgement rather than her own feelings? ...Something to randomly keep her up some night, perhaps, but right now they've been talking a long time about a lot of things.

    A place for everybody... "Well... more that... I think it can be a place not just for the majority but that you could make it a place also for so many of the rest if everyone was willing to accept and be at least a little understanding of everyone else, rather than just picking the most common ways to be. And... if there's people who can't fit in even with that... maybe life will at least be less awful for them around such a society, than around this one."

    "He's got it half-right," Amy says with a smile, "they do need to listen to us, just, we need to listen to them too. It can't be this one-sided thing!"

    She listens curiously and nods at the talk of dates with Mamoru and Ami.

    And she smiles and optimistically shrugs about fitting together with Miho. They'll see!

    And part of Amy's brain thinks about how she worded that bit about girls earlier. Would she want to cuddle boys? Taro's not exactly a boy... She's not really close to Chrono, or Takuto and Sugata, or Hinote... Does she have no close male friends other than Mamoru, who she's deliberately not considering because Usagi?

    Well if she hasn't any close guy friends to be examples, what if Hannah were a boy, that wouldn't make a difference right? ...Miho with the disguise pen? Any of her close friends? And if it were any of her guy friends with the disguise pen? This is getting too complicated to figure out the pattern and logic behind right now.

    "Hmm?" She blinks and refocuses on Usagi. Then her eyes shine with interest, "Ooh, talking to others about it sounds like a great idea! I guess it doesn't really come up much!"

    And then the yawn is contagious, and she yawns too.

    "Y..." Oh there's a bigger yawn. "Yeah. Wow... we really started with the Chalcopyrite thing and got all the way here..."

    She stares up at the night sky for a moment. "Well... I'm glad we did talk about it. I guess I've been holding some of that in for a long time and mentioned it, but not really talked about it... Thank you." She offers another hug.

    "I guess we should get back?"