1833/Tell Me How You Really Feel...

Tell Me How You Really Feel...
Date of Scene:	04 August 2024
Location:	Korma Chameleon
Synopsis:	Hinoiri *finally* reaches out to Rashmi, and the two share a lunch in the Korma's greenhouse. Hinoiri vents her frustrations, her worries, and her despair... and gets a nice meal, hard conversation, and a good hug. Sunset of Sora is laid to rest for good.
Cast of Characters:	Hinoiri Kirara, Rashmi Terios

---

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara was, well... was still kind of frazzled. Being less than a foot tall, being captured by her OWN YOUMA, having to admit her own feelings, and once again... being powerless.

But she had a stylus now, so she'd finally done the unthinkable.

Text to Rashmi: ... You wanna do that udon still? No tiny jokes or I'll puncture you.

And now? Getting there was a little difficult. She'd had to fly... and teleport... dodge getting stomped on by kyubey... but eventually, she landed on the roof. Her phone and stylus appeared by her, and she held it like a great staff of power... and lightly tapped on it.

Text to Rashmi: I'm on the roof. The small alicorn.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
Text to Hinoiri: I'll be right there.

With alien technical manuals being *slightly* less hard to study from than beginner calculus -- Even though Nicomachea was kind enough to display the manual on his actual pages, rather than a screen, because books are just better -- Rashmi is glad for the break. Rubbing at her eyes for a moment, she pops open the window next to her dorm bed, and takes to the skies.

At highway speeds, and as the crow flies, it's not long before she touches down on the rooftop next to the greenhouse, all smiles as her henshin shatters. "Hinoiri-chan? I promise, no small jokes!"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara looked up at Rashmi and... "Thank you. You have no idea how... troublesome these last few days have been. So... ummmmm. How have you been? Been up to anything... fun lately?" She nervously shuffled from hoof to hoof, before doing a little walking spin and then plopping down on the table.

... Apparently there was some cat in Kirakirafantastica alicorns.

"... Sorry for ummmm... dragging you and everyone out to fix my mistake. I've been thinking about it, I shouldn't have any other youma like that. Most of my other stuff to worry about is, well... dismantled or ummmmm..."

... Or Takashi has it. Oops. Ehhh, it'll be fiiiiiiine.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Oh it's fine," Rashmi says, waving a hand. "You needed help, so we helped. Honestly if you see Swiftwind again, he's the one who deserves to be thanked. Without him we might not have known what was happening! And I'm... eh? Still unpacking Paris, but I'd rather be dealing with it than just... going missing, forever."

This last, said as her eyes unfocus, but it's not very long before she shakes her head, putting a smile back on her face.

"Anyway. We're not here about me, so... give me a sec and I'll get us some food? Papi doesn't really have an udon, but, butter mushroom tsukemen sound good? And when I get back you can tell me aaaaall about it."

And she's absolutely sincere. She *knows* what it took to reach out to someone, *anyone,* and is glad enough for the effort that she'll put as much on hold as she needs to, to honor that effort.

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a soft sigh. "Yeah. But I shouldn't need your help. Especially not like this. I used to be the most powerful. Now? I'm stuck just... I'm just a joke," Hinoiri muttered.

"Finally, an alicorn and... the most I can do is lift a stylus." She then glanced to the phone and stylus, before they disappeared.

"Butter mushroom... whatever that was. It sounds fine, I'll look forward to it," she said, giving a gentle smile. "So, ummmm... thanks..." She then laid down her head and, well... waited. Trying to organize her thoughts.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
Bobbing her head, Rashmi makes her way into the apartment, and through that the restaurant below. It's not very long before she comes back, and starts to take a small stack of takeout canisters out of Nicomachea, and set them on the table. "So... D'you want to eat here? Because there's a little table in the greenhouse. It's definitely gonna be warmer in there, but it's also where Mami grows all her spices, and maybe the green and flowers'll do you good?"

As she waits for the answer, she extracts a ramekin, a little sake cup, spoon, chopsticks, and a lassi that smells tantalizingly of peaches.

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a small nod. "A... greenhouse sounds nice," Hinoiri said before spreading her wings and... awkwardly flying away towards it. It was like watching a three winged pigeon trying to figure out flight. But she got there, by jove! To the door. Staring at it. This. This was to be her greatest challenge yet. Or, well, of the last five minutes. As she tried to pull it open.

But it didn't move. "Come... on... you..." she growled furiously.

IT was a push door. And she was... angry. And tiny. And it was hard for her to know from this low. "OPEN! I DEMAND YOU OPEN, FOOLISH DOOR! I WILL NOT BE MADE A MOCKERY BY YOU AS WELL!"

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"...Other way," Rashmi says, trying very, very hard not to laugh. "It's a push door."

Instead of making light of Hinoiri's travails, or doing it for her, Rashmi simply gathers up the food and drink, and waits patiently for Hinoiri do accomplish the task before her.

Signs, after all, do exist for a reason!

And while Rashmi promised she wouldn't make fun of her, there was nothing said about sense-memory logs of the moment flagged for preservation. After all... this is *definitely* the kind of 'look back at this and laugh' moment that a healthy Hinoiri would find funny, long down the road.

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara blinked a few times before her cheeks went scarlet. She almost mumbled 'I knew that', but well... she caught herself. Verrry slowly she pushed the door open.

"R-right. It's... hard to read the 'push' sign from down here."

She'd let Rashmi go in first before she'd lightly trot after her.

"You know, aside from.... feeling like a pony in the dragon lands, this hasn't been the worst thing ever. Its been kind of nice having my magic, sorta, again. But... it's... still not something I'd want to re-experience. And getting kidnapped was... ugh... thanks. By the way. For ummmm... yeah..."

"... Songstopper wasn't my best idea. At least it was one I decided not to do, though..." She did want credit for that.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"I mean, it wasn't," Rashmi agrees, arranging the food on the little tea table. "And while I am glad you didn't finish it... Hinoiri-chan, I was listening to what it said. *Why* you made it. I don't think I could have been that angry with you if it *was* an actual threat, y'know?"

As Hinoiri ascends the chair, and from there to the table, Rashmi spoons some of the dipping sauce into a ramekin just for Hinoiri, and lassi gets poured into the sake cup. And it turns out what tsukemen is, is deconstructed ramen. Cold noodles, toppings (all vegetarian, including three kinds of mushroom served three different ways), and the Korma's rich, buttery orange sauce for dipping and eating how you please. "...So I noticed your magic isn't really helping much for picking things up, so..." Finally, a tea saucer is set in front of the alicorn. "Just let me know what you'd like to start with, and I can help?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a soft sigh, looking away... "I... yes," she mumbled. "Dark energy is... it's really rough. Makes you feel a lot of things you wouldn't normally feel at all."

Poking her hooves together. "I can ummmm... kind of... do things. I can move a fork and stuff. And I could move a cup of ramen."

Pause.

"... But I need to fill it up with water thimble by thimble so... there's that," Hinoiri grumbled. "My magic should be stronger as an alicorn, but instead it's so much weaker. A small platter of them should be fine..."

She leaned forward and picked up the cup with her magic, drinking a small few drops of the lassi. "Mmmm... good as always. Just... so you know? I'm better now. That... that was from early on in my career. Kind of... okay... not that early but..."

"... So, believe it or not? I've never really... done... friendship. I tried to, back when I was home. But well... it never worked out. So when I got here... I was so certain, at times, that it was... fake. And then the whole kidnapping with Naru thing... I got emotional... And made a poor decision. But it's not anything that needs fixing, so don't go thinking into it too much. Hmph."

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Hinoiri-chan," Rashmi sighs, setting a slice of tempura shiitake on the plate before taking one for herself, and dipping it into the sauce. "You're *lonely.* You're lonely and you don't know what to do because everything that you can think of didn't work, but since you don't know what you *don't know,* you haven't the faintest idea what will work. So you tell yourself it's not something you ought to worry about so you get by with your day."

Casually chomping on the crispy-coasted mushroom, she raises an eyebrow. "Am I close? If not, I'd rather thing the right thing than be right."

She could *always* be wrong, but... Lonely recognizes lonely, and it's fairly easy to see the chain of events that would prod her into creating a proof-of-care youma.

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara blinks a few times, then sighed. "Yeah... I guess. I got lonely. What of it?! It wasn't like--" And then stopped. Finally, she sighed and lowered her head back down, grumbling before slowly pulling over one of the noddles to eat, bundling it up into a little ball before taking a bite.

".... Things are different here. Friendship is.... oddly easy. You people... just... befriend. Each other. Easily. And... it's... confusing. It's... it's weird. I even have a girlfriend. I've made so many mistakes. Yet, in a weird way, things have gotten better."

"And yet, I feel like I'm trying ten times as hard and making absolutely *no* progress. I'm so sick and tired of having to control myself, having to be the responsible one. Having to make the *choice* to be weak. This is *so pathetic.*

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Things are different here," Rashmi says, "but lonely is lonely. Sometimes people don't fit in, and it's a lot of work and a lot of sadness until you get lucky enough where things just... click."

Is she speaking from experience?

Sipping her lassi, she tilts her head in thought after a moment. "...What d'you mean by 'weak,' by the way? ...Or 'responsible' for that matter, I'm curious."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a soft sigh and... eyed Rashmi for a moment. Cocked her head to the side. "... So, where do you fit in? Before your magic?" she asked. "Or is it with magic that you found the place where you clicked?" Her eyes narrowed slightly.

"Weak, I have no power. Without magic, you can't affect magic. Instead, you get chased through super markets, burned, attacked... people like... Catra try to stab you... And the worst part?"

"If I took off my geode... I could *destroy* all of them. None of them could threaten me. I would be *safe*. Instead? I'm stuck trying to behave. Because I *might* try to destroy the world again. Do you have any idea how that feels? To have to put up with all of THIS? To be strong enough to make all of them regret it, and yet having to stand there and just endure it?"

"And then I get *lectured* by some of the sparkles. I could be so much more than all of them, instead I'm stuck having to be constantly saved by them. Like I'm bucking useless. Just because the magic of this world works weirdly and I didn't get chosen by some stupid... thing." And she took another bite of her noodle, small tears of frustration in her eyes.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Before," Rashmi admits readily. "But that's just me. Without magic I'd probably still be the one at my school everyone knows but no one really cares about. Whose most notable achievment was almost throwing a chair at someone in Debate Club. Spending every lunch looking for the quietest spot to read and eat. ...And oh yeah, about Catra-san; she messaged me before she attacked you. Said to gather up who I could to fight her off. But anyway."

Contemplating her food for a moment, she looks back up. "So okay, I get how that'd be frustrating. *Infuriating.* But leaving that geode on is a *choice,* Hinoiri-chan. You're *deciding* to do that, and -- again, if I'm wrong please tell me -- to me that says you don't *want* to be stronger like that. Because you tried it and it *didn't work.*" Noodles are extracted, dipped, and eaten. "So, you're smart enough not to make the same mistake twice. And you've made enough mistakes to know what not to do, so... Question. *Is* friendship really all that weak? Or are you still assuming it is?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara blinked a few times. "She... did?" she asked. She then gave a light snort. "Heh. Wow. Well, at least she didn't want to kill me, then. I wouldn't expect her to go against the board... but her taking the extra steps to protect me? That's... that's..." And it did bring her a monicrom of peace, at least.

"... And yeah. I used to do that, too. People just... back home? They only ever took an interest in me when they could use me. If I got a bit for each time someone told me how 'lucky' I was that they deemed to talk with me, considering my station. When all they really wanted was to get close to Sora's prized student," Hinoiri said, her voice filled with bitterness.

She took another bite of her noodle, a big one, this time. At least she was going to be easy to feed like this.

"It is a choice. It's not... I'd take it off, if I could control it. Dark energy is fine, when controlled. But I lost that. I can't control it. And if I... give into it again? I can't allow that. And I don't know. Maybe? It's not... It's not magic, at least. So I guess that's my choice, isn't it? Have magic, or have 'friendship'."

"... I'm kind of liking this friendship, though. Just... When I had magic, I never *needed* anyone else to save me, and nobody ever did. Now I have friendship and I constantly need people to save me, and they do."

"... I hate that I can't have both. Why are a lot of you able to have friendship and magic, and I can't? I'm smart enough, I've practiced, I've worked hard..."

"She lowered her head, putting her noddle down. "I got told that, the other day. 'We worked hard for our power, so why didn't you for yours?' I thought I did. I don't see what else I'm supposed to do. I worked until my eyed ached, my hooves strained, my horn throbbed..."

"Yet I'm the nothing, the nobody. Why... am I not worthy? Why does my work not matter, and theirs does?"

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Hinoiri-chan, you're not nobody," Rashmi says quietly. "You're my friend. And maybe that's not the same as having magic, but like... You're *not* different from us. You're from a different world sure but *apparently* all the magic and ponies and rainbows and sunshine in the world can't stop one child from being too lonely to bear."

And perhaps for the first time in Hinoiri's hearing, Rashmi sounds *incredibly bitter* when she says this. As if she's angry at that fact alone for destroying a childhood dream.

"And I don't know if you noticed, but half the time the only reason any of us *can* fight off all the insane nastiness that throws itself at the world, here? Is *because* of friendship. When people try to fight alone, they're doomed. Heck, you *proved* that to Molly-chan -- twice! -- but *she* still thinks she's not good enough because she can't fight alone. And if I'm willing to teach her different, I'm willing to teach you too because I am *convinced* that there's magic waiting for you, and you just keep running in the wrong direction. Like you're supposed to build a bridge out of rainbows but you're just mashing bricks and wood together because that's how you make bridges."

Having done a *lot* of talking, Rashmi takes a moment to catch her breath, eyes faintly wild as she has the chance to just *say all the things* that she's wanted to for a while. "Being the strongest isn't the answer to anything, Hinoiri-chan. You think it is, but it never got you any happiness *or* safety, did it?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara pulled her wings in tighter, which was impressive since well... they were already against her. "I.... there... there were... I was safe. I was... happy, at times. But... If friendship is what makes magic here then why DON'T I have magic?! I had friends back in Obsidian! I have friends with your lot! And yet, time after time, *I* have to be saved. I have to be the one making the choice to let them hurt me! I have to be... this!" she snapped, the bitterness filling her voice.

"So what am I doing wrong? What's the secret of friendship that makes me go from... from this, to being able to be strong again? How do I become Sailor whatever, or Cure whatever, or whatever you are? Is it because I'm not 'nice'? Because I haven't worked hard enough? Where's my magic?! Is it because I turned to dark energy because I didn't want to be the person everyone walked over? The victim? I didn't tell Molly she couldn't fight alone because that wasn't how it was done, I said she couldn't fight alone because she was weak! Why do I always have to need everyone else, when is someone going to need me?!" she yelled, before cringing. And shrinking down a little bit, pulling over her lassi and drinking from it.

"... I didn't turn to dark energy because I wanted to. I turned to dark energy because it was the only option that worked for me. So why... why can't a new option just open up already?"

Rashmi Terios has posed:
And maybe Hinoiri is cringing, but Rashmi is not at all upset by the alicorn's rant. In fact, now that she's got her feelings under control again, she's listening very, very carefully. "I have a guess," she says quietly. "But that's all it is; a guess. And I'm not gonna say it because guesses can be wrong as well as right, and for once I *need* you to find the right answers, Hinoiri-chan. So... you said you have a girlfriend. That means you like her, right? Do you care about her?"

And once again, Rashmi is in 'listening' mode, making it very clear that Hinoiri and what she has to say have her full attention.

You can almost *hear* the puzzle-box emptying out, and Rashmi waiting for the pieces that will fit the voids.

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a small nod. "I mean, duh. I wouldn't be her girlfriend if I didn't. Like, it was an experiment, but... it kind of... turned out to be more? I don't see what that has to do with anything. What, is me caring about the person I'm dating supposed to be a sign of me having magic? Because if only magical people here do it then your world is a *lot* more bucked up than I've been led to believe," Hinoiri said, in a very sarcastic tone.

Which was impressive, because she still spoke in rainbows and sparkles, so sarcasm was NOT easy like that.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"No, magic is fueled by *feelings,*" Rashmi says patiently. "That's why Dark Energy is so bad, right? All that hate and despair and cruelty just feeds on itself and you have to keep a stranglehold on it to get it to work the way you *want* it to. Right? You have to be *stronger* than the magic every single day, or it'll carry you with it?"

She waits for Hinoiri to give her thoughts on that theory, then turns to another. "But those aren't the only feelings that have power, Hinoiri-chan. And some feelings don't even *need* magic to have power. I *love* Chrono. I love him so much I was willing to *lay down my life* just so he wouldn't do it alone. And you care about your girlfriend. If she was in trouble, would you even *wait* to have magic before you tried to break down every wall between you two?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave another sigh. "I mean, duh. Of course it's fueled by feelings. I already knew that. I've spent more time studying magic than you've... well. I actually don't know how long you've been alive, but my entire life. And here, it is definitely fueled by feelings. And... yeah. That's dark energy. And if you're not grounded... it carries you away."

"... And I lost my grounding," Hinoiri said softly, her voice little more than a sad, sparkly whisper.

"... I mean... yeah. She... got hurt once. I... didn't care about my rules then. I was willing to break all of them over it. I... wanted to kill Kingu... To tear him apart... And now? I have to just sit there and listen as he tells me how his hard work to get magic mattered, while mine was unimportant and useless. Because apparently that's just how magic works here."

Rashmi Terios has posed:
"Hinoiri-chan," Rashmi says slowly. "That's what I'm talking about. Dark Energy only works because it's all about you. But other feelings, the kind that doesn't use it? They're about other people. They're about connections, about things that *matter more than yourself.*"

Reversing her chopsticks, she leans over the table and boops Hinoiri's snoot with each emphasized word. "They're the feelings you have for everyone who is *not* *just* *you.*" Settling back, she reapplies herself to her meal, letting Hinoiri think this over. "I think a huge part of the problem is, you can't get past 'why me?' That's the bricks and sticks. All the other people, they're rainbows."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a low growl, narrowing her eyes on Rashmi. "So, that's your answer? The reason I'm like this... is because I'm too *selfish*? Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for wanting all of my work and effort to be recognized. I'm sorry for not wanting to be pushed around and hurt just because I wasn't given access to some big, powerful henshin device. I'm sorry I want acknowledgement for all the hard work I did for OTHER PEOPLE!"

"And I'm sorry I almost destroyed your world! Do you think I'm wearing the geode for MYSELF?! Do you think I'm wearing it because I'm scared I'LL GET HURT?! I'm doing it because I don't want anyone else to ever have to feel the way I felt! I don't want YOU people to get hurt and I can't guarantee I can protect ANY OF YOU from me anymore and I'd rather be helpless than that BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, IS IT?!" she yelled, fire forming from the tip of her horn and.... it wasn't very hot. Like a little bunson burner.

Rashmi Terios has posed:
Throughout all this outburst, Rashmi simply watches calmly, eyebrows raised. Her poker face has always been terrible, and it'd be a lie to say there's not some fear there, in her eyes. But also, trust. Because she knows *very well* that Hinoiri doesn't want to go back to that place.

Instead, in answer, she carefully dips a thin slice of carrot into curry gravy, and sets it on Hinoiri's plate.

"I think you're wearing the geode because what you became scared the life out of you," she says quietly. "And I think you're double scared because you *still* don't know what to do, but the only thing you can think of is 'not that, ever again.' Which is a good answer... And I will absolutely defer to the expert on magic. Which is why I want you to use your *mind,* not your heart, and ask you this; if you were the best student in your class, and I have no doubt you were... Why is it so hard to tap magic that *isn't* Dark Energy? With everything you've learned you *must* have an answer."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara was silent for a long, long, long time then. Slowly, she scrunched up into a little ball.

"That everything they said about me was true. That.... I was never good enough. Can't make myself good enough. That... that hard work, determination, can't make up... for what I never had..." she whispered.

"Maybe... you're right. Maybe I'm just... selfish. Maybe I'm just... a bad person. All the evidence points to it. Maybe... maybe I just... tricked myself, tricked others... into believing there was something there, when there never was."

Rashmi Terios has posed:
Sighing, Rashmi reaches out, resting a finger between Hinoiri's eyes and just... petting. A gesture of comfort. "That's the Dark Energy answer, sure," she says gently. "But I don't think that's the right one. Because even a bad person can *learn* to be good. If they want to. If they *choose* to. Because y'know what, Hinoiri-chan?"

Her finger moves under the alicorn's chin, nudging it up to prompt her to look into Rashmi's eyes.

"I think you can do it," she says, smiling. "I *believe in you,* Hinoiri-chan. Because nobody, *nobody* should tell you you're not good enough. *Especially* if that person is you. You've been choosing, *every single day,* to not give in to that answer. *You* know how hard that is, but *I do too.* And you got *so mad,* when before you'd probably be flying across that table to headbutt me out of my chair. But you're not."

"And I'm *so proud of you for that.*"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara blinked a few times and, slowly, she relaxed. Closing her eyes and just enjoying the comfort. Relaxing into the touch. Listening and... then...

"It's so hard," Hinoiri whispered. "I'm so tired of being weak. I'm tired of feeling helpless. But... I'm... I'm tired of not feeling like I'm enough. Like I'm... like I'm just... bad... Like I'm useless."

"I've tried so hard to be... special... to be worthy... and I don't know *how* anymore. I don't know if I ever did," Hinoiri whispered, a few tears in her little eyes. "They... they were alicorns, you know? Those two... Kingu and... the other one. Takuto. When the magic was wrong they were *alicorns*. Why did *Their* training get them that? I worked... so hard... and all I got was banished."

"... Now... I just... I'm trying so hard and I want everyone to see. I just want them to... I know... I messed up. I know I hurt people but I *want* to be a better person. A person who's... good. Who's kind. Who's... like all of you. None of you had to save me. You could have left me to die. She did. But you didn't. And I just... don't... want to let you all down again..."

"But it's hard and I wish more people would just... tell me it's okay..."

Rashmi Terios has posed:
And Rashmi cannot help herself; there is a sad little kitten-sized thing who badly needs a hug, right there. It would be the height of cruelty *not* to give the sad kitten-sized thing a hug. As carefully as she can, she gathers Hinoiri up, and snuggles the little alicorn.

"It's going to be okay," she says softly. "I believe in you, Hinoiri-chan. I *know* you've got this."

And for as long as Hinoiri will tolerate it, she stays like that, gently rocking. "I think you've apologized all you need to, now. Instead, just... start helping. The work you're doing for Yellow-chan is great, and it's gonna help us a *lot* in the future. But more than anything else? I think just... calling us when you see something start to go bad, that'd help *so much.* Reach out. Trust people. Decide to be kind. Because most of the time it costs barely anything to be nice, but it'll brighten up a person's entire day."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a small nod and, admittedly... she let herself be held. For a lot longer than Rashmi might have suspected. Well, she'd... often wanted a hug, as a pony. Maybe it was kind of nice to finally get them. Even if they were from these weird giant monkeys.

"I'll try," Hinoiri mumbled. "I'll keep trying. To be good. Even... even if I don't... ever get... even if that's all I can do. But... I can't guarantee I won't hit some people with... well, whatever I can."

She, admittedly, was thinking Kingu and Takuto... not because they'd even done anything to truly deserve it. But she was so very, very bitter about them being Alicorns. "Especially if they deserve it. But I'll... try. I'll keep trying. I won't... be... that again. Sunset of Sora is gone for good. Forever."

And that, at least, she truly meant.