2058/What would you do

What would you do
Date of Scene:	12 November 2024
Location:	Dorms #1
Synopsis:	Hinoiri goes to Usagi to ask about forgiveness... and then ask what she would do, put in the same situation where the one she loved was put in danger. She hopes the answers she gets are the ones she needed.
Cast of Characters:	Hinoiri Kirara, Usagi Tsukino

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Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara sighed as she walked outside Usagi's room. This was... dumb. This was so dumb. This was...

It was a waste of everyone's time. Her time. Usagi's time. Usagi had said it herself, right? Unforgiveable. She'd done some unforgiveable things. So what was even the point?

But that was part of all of this, right? Learning? Asking questions? Finding out how to do things?

... It didn't make it any less nerve wracking. Still, she had to try. Nervously, she reached out and knocked on the door with three quick little taps. Leaning on the frame, arms crossed, a look of concentration on her face. Leather jacket and all. Looking like the tough girl she often acted like... that hid the much more self conscious, trepidation filled unicorn inside.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Inside her dorm, Usagi Tsukino certainly wasn't in the midst of contemplating insecurities or deep concerns. No, she was pulling a string around the floor for Luna to try and catch, and giggling whenever she moved a hair too slow and her partner captured the string all over again.

Some might think this is below Luna's dignity. Luna would say this is just blowing off steam. Usagi's got homework and textbooks all over her and Naru's desk space, a sign that she has been working...

And when the door is knocked on, they both freeze, looking up. Luna shoots Usagi a Look. Usagi shoots Luna a Second Look. Clown to Clown communication commences, and then they both scramble to more dignified positions, Lunar leaping to the top of Usagi's bed to loaf and Usagi scrambling into her desk chair, brushing imaginary and real dust off herself. She's wearing a casual outfit, with pink sweats and a Baby Metal t-shirt, and calls out - "Hey, it's unlocked! You can come in! Hi!"

It's probably one of her innumerable friends, right?

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gently pushed open the door and walked inside. "Hey, Usagi-chan. Mind if we have a little chat?" she asked, before glancing towards Luna. Well, just a cat. "Is Naru out right now?" She'd close the door behind herself, crossing her arms and glancing over towards Usagi. Leaning back against the wall, looking 2cool4... actually, nothing. She looked conflicted. Like she was unsure how to proceed.

But her mind wavered back to the fight against the giant witch. It had been an impossible enemy. Something Sunset of Sora could have faced, but other than that? They were doomed. Entirely. And these girls... they beat her. Nobody died. Nobody was defeated. There was hope. And... well...

"I... need to ask you some things. Not school related, don't worry. I guess... social... related. You're uhhh... the most... friendly... friend of friends in this school from my experience so ummmm... I need to ask you something and it's... probably kind of weird..."

"... So right, Naru isn't here, right?"

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"Hey, Hinoiri-chan!" There's surprise in Usagi's face and voice, but nothing negative - no expression of 'oh no' or 'run away'. Luna pricks her ears, looking curiously down at the other girl from atop Usagi's bed, but otherwise doesn't seem inclined to get involved. "Yeah, Naru-chan's out with Adrien-kun. I think they're trying some more expresso tricks that they saw on Viewtube."

That's what it had sounded like, anyway.

As Hinoiri properly enters the room, Usagi shifts around to face her, sitting sideways in her desk chair. The conflict on Hinoiri's face is concerning, but she'll get to it, right?

"Oh, you do?" The worry washes away as soon as Hinoiri confirms it's not a school issue, because Usagi is not prepped to help anyone with that, and her eyes widen, as she continues, until she asks, with an edge of a smile, "Hinoiri-chan, are you having a friendship problem? And you came to me?"

Aw! How sweet!

"I promise Naru-chan's not here. It's just you, me, and Luna."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a small nod. "Yeah. Heh. I thought about writing you a text, but that seemed kind of stupid when you were just down the hall." Oddly, facing her like this seemed... a little harder.

She then sighed. "It's... about what we talked about the other day, you know? I just... well... I guess... how do you... it's..." She pushed off the wall, pacing a little bit, arms crossed. "I guess... so, back home there wasn't a lot of... so when we talked recently, we all... I just... I've been trying to make things better, you know? To... do better. I lost control before, but I have things under control now. Aside from a... I mean... I didn't... go too far. I had someone there to help, too." Usagi likely had no idea what Hinoiri was even talking about, considering she hadn't been there. And Hinoiri wasn't finishing any of her thoughts.

Finally, she just... sighed again. She just say down on Usagi's bed and, if Luna let her, she'd reach out and scritch the cat. It was calming, at least. She knew how to scritch kitties. Fuzzy animals, oddly, were simple. Not like people. Maybe it had to do with having four legs herself, once. She knew all the spots that were hard to reach and felt so, so good to scritch.

"... How do you earn forgiveness?"

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"Not necessarily. Mamochan and I text all the time, even if sometimes we're just down the hall from each other," it's a gentle aside, not meant to be lingered on, just reminding Hinoiri that it's not dumb if she did want to text instead of talk face to face sometime.

And then? There's a rambling, pacing, not entirely coherent... statement. Usagi listens, brows furrowed as she tries to put together what they talked about the other day and what it has to be with back home and - okay, Hinoiri is trying to do better. So maybe this is about that conversation? With Amy, Naru-chan, and Usagi, about - stuff? Ahhhh... so this is a friendship problem, but one that's really got to do with her...

And maybe other people, too, if Usagi is being seen as the friendly-friend of all the friends.

She waits, patient and quiet, and wondering what Hinoiri means about losing control and if she should be worried, and hoping not, considering she's saying she had someone there, and she hasn't already heard all about it.

When Hinoiri sits down on Naru's bed, Luna hops down to from Usagi's top bunk, deciding to both get closer, and assuming that Hinoiri, from previous encounters, would want to busy her hands with petting Luna's fur and scratching her ears. It definitely isn't because she knows Hinoiri is good for the good scritches, that found all the best places to scritch and soothe. No, this is a purely selfless endeavor!

Usagi does not laugh at this, and instead quickly stifles a smile, giving Hinoiri her full attention, and when she finally manages a properly complete sentence... she considers it for a long, quiet moment.

"I think... before I even try and answer that, maybe I should ask a question of you: when you think of forgiveness, what are you thinking about? What are you hoping for?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara looked, at least, relieved when Luna came down. Soooo much easier to focus on petting a kitty than trying to decide what to do with her hands. "I mean... I guess... not be hated for what I did. Not like... be expected to do it anymore. Trusted..."

"... A friend, I guess. I know I made mistakes, but I'm not... trying to be Sunbreaker anymore, pending... extenuating circumstances. I mean... I just... want to know how I... can be..."

"You said I've done some unforgiveable things. I thought... I had been forgiven, by some people. But now, I'm not so sure. And... I want to know if I even can be. Is all the work I'm putting in meaningless?" she asked. Then cringed, shaking her head. "Buck, I didn't mean it like that..."

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Luna purrs a little, at the petting, offering some positive reinforcement as Hinoiri busies her hands. Usagi listens carefully.

"So... honestly? I think... and I promise this isn't a cop-out but - maybe this is a cultural difference, a bit? Because what you're asking for, to me, we'd call it forbearance, I guess, rather than forgiveness. And I know I've given you that. I think Mamochan has too. What that means is like... holding space for you to change. Recognizing that you've done wrong and that you recognize that you've done wrong. Giving our patience and understanding while you're working on yourself."

She lets that sink in, as she leans closer, elbows on her knees and chin resting on her held together fists.

"Because what you did was unforgivable, but that doesn't mean you're not my friend. You're not unforgiveable as a person. The things you did are. And maybe for someone else, forgiveness means something different, but for me, it means that I've let it wash away, and don't have any like, bad feelings about what happened. And I can't say that."

And then her eyes fix on Hinoiri's, trying to hold her gaze.

"But I do consider you a friend, again. I don't hate you. I don't expect that you'll act that way again, because I trust that you hate what you did and don't want to do it again. I hope that makes sense? And I mean, I hope that proves that the work you're putting in isn't meaningless?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara reached down with her other hand, motioning for Luna to come and rest on her lap, if she wanted. Then she could pet and scritch with both hands. "I... wait, what? That's... forgiveness here? Huh. So... no. What I did was pretty shitty. I attacked a lot of people, hurt a lot of people. I don't think people will ever not feel upset and mad about that."

"... But I just don't want you to feel upset and mad about me, as a person, I guess. Wait, how do you forgive anything, then? It was a bad thing, and it's not going to ever... stop being bad. I drained all of the magic out of your friends and hurt so many people. I would have probably killed people if... not for other people."

"... If forgiveness means not being mad about that act, I don't think even I can ever forgive me, let alone other people."

"... Back home, I always thought of... forgiveness as kind of letting something go. Even if you didn't like it, just... accepting that it happened, it sucked, but you trust the person to not do that kind of thing anymore. Not forgetting it, though, but like... acknowledging the person isn't that person anymore. I guess... that's what I want. I want to know that I can change. That... it matters. That the effort... matters. I know, I should change for myself, to be better. But..."

Well, validation from others helped.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
"Well, that's forgiveness for my sect of Buddhism, anyway?" Usagi stretches a little, rubbing the back of her neck.

"I don't want to say that's forgiveness for everyone or all of Japan, or anything, there's lots of different opinions, but, the way I was raised, the way I look at things, it's not really focused on forgiveness, but like, compassion, and mercy. You don't have to forgive someone to give them compassion, you don't have to forgive something to be merciful, and like, sometimes it's even more important to give mercy and compassion and all that even when someone isn't forgiven or doesn't deserve it."

"Because yeah, I mean... you did do some pretty shitty things. You attacked a lot of people, and there's people who might maybe always feel upset about that. Forgiveness the way I was raised is something you offer when you've let go of all the resentment and the pain and the upset. And... honestly?"

She cocks her head, considering.

"A lot of times, people don't really ask for forgiveness? They might ask for forbearance, but a lot of times they apologize and try and do the work. If I told you I forgave you, I'd be kind of lying, because you could - you could reasonably expect that that meant I wasn't still mad about any of it, didn't still have bad feelings about any of it, didn't still sometimes resent what you did as Sunbreaker. And I do."

After a moment, she reaches out, offers her hand to Hinoiri, in the aftermath of those words.

"But I know you can do better. I know you're always trying to improve and be better and that you're not still the same person you were back then, when you lashed out at everyone and hurt us all. Sometimes we do things that we can't forgive. We just have to do better, instead, and show people that we mean it. That we're not who we were."

"And I believe that! I really do. Because it's not like you're the only person in the world I can't forgive, and it's not like there's people who probably can't forgive me."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara gave a small nod, listening to the other girl speak... and feeling a little bit of relief as Usagi talked. "Yeah. I... I wouldn't be surprised if some people never forgave me for... never liked me after that. Just... I want to be better. And I'm still made about it. I really lost it, back then. I really thought I had a control on the dark energy, but the moment I lost my grounding, I just..."

She sighed and then, gingerly, reached out, giving the hand a small, affectionate squeeze. "Thank you." very gently, she'd start to get up, feeling like a weight had been taken off ehr shoulders. "I mean it. Thanks. It's nice to know... that... you don't hate me for it. That you trust me to be a better person. But, uhhhh..."

She sighed and reached up. "So... I'm not hiding it... I should let you know I ummmm... did go... Sunbreaker recently. Nobody got hurt! It was under control!" she said quickly. "They just... attacked my theyfriend. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing, you know? But... I did go Sunbreaker for a bit. The geode is staying on from now on, though. For good. I... came close to losing it. If Cure Sharpsong hadn't been there, I might have. And I know it was reckless, but when you love someone you can't just leave them hurt, you know?" Hinoiri said sheepishly. Well, she figured if anyone could understand it, Usagi could.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
Usagi decides to hold back her thoughts on the idea that Hinoiri had ever had real control over her Dark Energy, considering the things she'd done and thought were okay when she was Sunbreaker. This conversation has made it clear she hasn't forgotten about all the messed up things she did, the hurts she created, so there's no reason to antagonize on that point.

"I think forgiveness would make you feel better, but only for a second, because what you really want is to know that people still like you and are willing to give you a chance in spite of everything. And I think that's what people have been showing you over and over. You hurt a lot of us, and that still lives with us, but you're a friend to a lot of us too. Both can be true, at the same time." And that hand squeeze is returned, and she smiles, and all is right in the world -

For a moment. And then... Usagi's eye twitches, as Hinoiri tells the story, and explains that despite everything she did totally go Sunbreaker and it -

Luna catches her eye, a silent reminder of all that compassion and mercy she just talked about and she swallows down her immediate reactions and scrubs her hand down her face.

"Even if they attack your theyfriend again?" She can't say it's okay because even though it had ended well - it almost hadn't. There are so many of them without purification powers... "You're going to keep it on, for sure, now, right? Even if your theyfriend gets hurt again? And - I assume they're okay, now?"

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara was silent, then. She reached up and gripped the geode on her neck. Slowly, she backed up and leaned against the wall. "I... don't know," she finally admitted. "I want to say I won't. I really, really do. I want to promise, no matter what, I won't turn to that power. But... but Dee means a lot to me. If I lost them..."

"... What would you do? If you saw... if someone ripped the soul out of Mamoru, right in front of you. Could you just sit there and watch, hope that everyone else could save him? Hope that you won't lose the most precious thing in the world to you... just... watch... helplessly?"

"... Because right now... I... I think... I want to promise that. I want to believe in other people, but if I can't... do anything... if I have to just be a sideliner... and see the people I care about most get hurt.... and not do anything... I don't... know if I can do that..."

"... I don't know if I'm strong enough for that... I don't even know if I can be strong enough for that... because... if I..."

And she was silent for a long, long moment there, before looking up at Usagi again. "I'll try. But... but if I... if I lost Dee... if I stood back and had to watch, and I lost them because I... stood there and did nothing? I don't even know if the geode could protect me anymore. Not from what that would do to me. Dark energy scares me, Usagi-chan. I'm... actually scared. I wear the geode because... I want to be better. But I'm... I'm so, so scared sometimes. I can feel it, just on the edges of my awareness. Calling to me. Telling me it can make things better. I can be strong. All I need to do is just... let it. And it's so, so loud sometimes. When I'm scared, when I feel weak, and... and I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could stop it. But when I saw... when I saw Dee on the ground, when they tore out their heart like that..."

"I didn't care. All I wanted was to stop them from hurting Dee and I couldn't keep it back anymore. And I started to slip. I held it back for a bit, but it's so loud, it's just... there. Offering me everything I want and I'm not sure how to stop it when the stakes are that high..."

Hinoiri finally broke eye contact, lowering her gaze, blinking a few times to try and stop herself from crying. In a way, it felt good to finally get that off her shoulders, to confess. she hadn't meant to, but... now... it felt like she had needed to.

... But she was wondering how much of that 'compassion' and 'mercy' she was really worthy of.

Usagi Tsukino has posed:
It's not an easy question, but that's the point. None of this is easy. That's what Usagi has learned, from over a year of being a magical warrior - that it's not easy, that you're enjoying every breathless moment between catastrophes, that you're in the moment to moment because tomorrow might be another apocalypse. And Hinoiri doesn't know what to do, what to say.

What would you do, Hinoiri asks, and it's only the remembrance, sudden and cold, that Hinoiri had been off with Haruka and Setsuna, instead of witnessing That Day that allows Usagi to hold her tongue.

Instead, she takes a deep breath, and she says, "As someone uniquely qualified to answer this question - someone who experienced the fear you're talking about - I understand wanting to help. I understand wanting to not be helpless. Endymion did die, right there, in front of me, for me. Mars died for me. Jupiter, died for me. The whole system died for me, Hinoiri-chan, all because when Beryl killed Endymion in front of me, while I was helpless, I killed myself."

It's never easy, admitting this part, even when so many people saw it, that most vulnerable moment in her existence, when her heart shattered and her mind went with it and all she could do was raise a sword to her breast. Luna, on the bed, has her ears back, her head low, eyes tightly shut as she remembers that fateful day herself.

"So you know I'm not saying this lightly."

Because what she's going to say is something she can't be sure Hinoiri can accept.

"Yes, I could stand on the side, holding the love of my life and praying for the others to save the day, if my getting involved could make things worse. Sunset of Sora was horrific, Hinoiri-chan. You weren't just dangerous, you were danger itself, and we almost had to kill you. We talked about it, you know? What we would do, if all our purification efforts failed, and you wouldn't come back to yourself. If we could do it. If I could do it."

Has Hinoiri ever known, that it got that far.

"How would they feel, if you saved their life, and got yourself killed in the process, because you turned into a monster again, and we didn't have the same energy left to stop you? Because I used up almost everything, against Walpurgisnacht, and Madoka-chan might have too. If you went back to that, and you were stronger now -" she swallows hard and her throat is tight and the thought does make her eyes sting, a flash of memory, blood thick and red on her hand, dripping down to make a mockery of her disintegrated sleeve.

"Dark Energy scares me too. It makes people worse than they want to be, than they imagine they can be, and it lies to you, that it can make you better. You won't be strong, you'll be weak. You won't be tough, you'll be a mad dog, that you're forcing us to struggle against. I know how hard it is to not be able to do anything but put your trust and faith in other people - and that's why you need to know that that's what you have to do. We live in Tokyo, where we've survived three apocalypses since January, where almost everyone we know has been a victim. If I could hold back my hate when you put Mamochan in the hospital to save your life, then you can hold back your fear and let us protect Dee, and everyone else, if that's what it comes to. I believe in you."

Hinoiri Kirara has posed:
Hinoiri Kirara was silent, then. Her fists clenched and she looked... sad. Hurt. A little angry. But when wasn't she angry?

But she listened. And she tried to understand. And she wanted to lash out. To say 'Oh, I can see how you're hanging back now'. But she was Sailor Moon. She had power, had turned away... and... Hinoiri, like it or not, had a different power. She could have used Equivalence. She could have fought with them... instead she'd chosen to go her own route. To not risk losing what she held so precious.

And she gave a small nod. "I.... promise... I won't, then. Just... should the time come... I'll... trust all of you to keep them safe. I'll... believe in you... just... don't let me down..." she said softly.

She'd been let down a lot, in her life. By the people she trusted. And it wasn't easy this time. To trust them. To believe in the sparkles. But...

If it came to it, if they let her down, if she lost what was most precious to her... then she didn't know if she could come back. If they could bring her back. But she supposed, if that happened? Well... she'd lose everything. Better to risk losing everything, rather than making it guaranteed by going Sunbreaker again.

"Thanks, Usagi-chan. I'm... glad we had this talk. I ummmm... I'm going to go. I got studying to do, okay? See you later," she said, before pulling the door open and stepping out before she could be objected to.

Well, she had her word, at least. So that made things...

She hoped it wouldn't be a vow she broke. She hoped she could be that strong this time.