1793/There's No Getting Away From It

There's No Getting Away From It
Date of Scene:	26 July 2024
Location:	Kyouka's Apartment
Synopsis:	Mamoru comes looking for guidance on grief from Kyouka and isn't really ready to hear what she has to say. But it's always good to have a friend listen.
Cast of Characters:	Mamoru Chiba, Kyouka Inai

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Mamoru Chiba has posed:
    Mamoru TXT: hey are you home can i come by
    Mamoru TXT: nothing urgent

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    Kyouka TXT: i will be in 10
    Kyouka TXT: door will be unlocked

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
    Mamotu TXT: cool ty

Twelve minutes later, Mamoru knocks once and then opens Kyouka's apartment door, stepping in and toeing off his shoes -- shoes that probably cost at least two months' rent, paired with jeans and a band tee, which is how he's been rolling since the weather turned warm a few months ago.

He's carrying a bag of some experimental ice cream flavor and a four-pack of kick-in-the-teeth ginger beer, the really strong kind. "I don't," he calls in, "actually even know if you like ginger beer. And I don't know if either of us will like this ice cream."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    Kyouka was in fact home, and the door was in fact unlocked, proving that for everything she might be a liar isn't one of them. The apartment is small enough that it's impossible to not know where she is the moment it is entered- either she's in plain view, or she's in the bathroom which is the only option if she's not in plain view. At the moment she's standing in the small kitchenette area, rather near to the door, poking at a cup of instant ramen that has just come out of the microwave.

    She glances over at Mamoru as he enters, giving a small quirk of a smile and a lift of one shoulder. "If there's one thing that I'm famous for, it's eating anything at least once." She says, "and ice cream sounds like a good follow up to these cup noodles."

    She carries the steaming cup over to her small table (the same one which is a kotatsu in winter, but in summer is just a table) and sits down cross-legged on one of the cushions, indicating he should make himself comfortable with a casual gesture.

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru takes the ice cream out of the bag -- fermented miso and sesame, apparently -- and sticks it in Kyouka's freezer before padding back over to put down the ginger beer. And also sit down. He sits across from Kyouka and almost ritualistically opens the first ginger beer before he says anything else.

"So," he says, looking at the bottle instead of Kyouka, "Usagi told me you said if I needed to talk, I should talk to you." He looks up. "But I don't know if talking will do anything. I spent four days being actively tortured, had a giant fight, got very little sleep, and then saw fifteen people die in the dark before we killed Beryl, one of which I killed myself and one I helped Usagi to. That last one I feel bad about, she threw up after. But I can't charge things up like that."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    "What I actually said is that if you wanted to talk, I'm here to talk to." Kyouka says, a bit dryly. "Am I the best choice? Dunno. Not gonna claim that. But I'm happy to listen regardless."

    And she does listen, after that little interjection. She knew some of this, at least, having already talked to Usagi and heard other reports of what went on in the catacombs while she was trying to find her way back to the group, but it's easy to see why these sorts of events would mess somebody up.

    "Talking isn't going to make your feelings just go away, and it's not going to change what happened." She shrugs, reaching for one of the ginger beers and twisting it open. "But it's also not going to make it worse. And sometimes it just feels better to know that you're not the only one thinking about this stuff."

    She pauses a moment, then says, "Sorry I wasn't there when all this was going down. Feels a bit like I let you down, although it turns out you didn't need me anyway. You got through. That's something to be proud of, no matter what you had to do to get there."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru drinks a mouthful of the ginger beer, waiting the half-second for the burn before swallowing, then looks away again. "Then, sorry. To dump all that on you. I know-- I do know we did good. We got through and then Usagi pulled one hell of a miracle out of the Silver Crystal, undoing so much death..."

He lets out the smallest sigh, then tries not to sound as brittle as he feels. "You didn't let us down. You would have been there in a heartbeat if any of us called you. And then maybe you'd have been the one taking a bullet for me, or freezing yourself in an eternal tomb, or shielding someone else--"

Mamoru glances up again and eyes Kyouka, and he at least sounds a little teasing now. "Like you did. Thank you for tanking that for Usagi even though it cost you an arm."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    Kyouka shrugs a little bit. "Not dumping. Just talking, like I said. You know these sorts of things.. well, to say they don't bother me is a little bit inaccurate. But people used to say I didn't care enough about other people's feelings. Maybe that was true, maybe it's still true. I care about your feelings. But I'm suited to tanking them as much as I am to tanking big scary dark energy orbs."

    At his thanks, she just shrugs again, and offers a small smile. "Woulda cost us all more if I hadn't, hey? After all, she bites it there, we don't get a miracle. I didn't know that, of course, and I would have done it anyway regardless. For her, or you, or well.. most." She's not quite self-aggrandizing enough to say 'anyone'.

    "I've always been willing to die for this game." She says it so nonchalantly, as if it doesn't even matter. "That was the closest I've come. Guess that says something about the enemy we were facing."

    She gives him a direct look, her grey eyes the color of overcast skies. "You shouldn't regret people choosing to protect you. Because it was their choice. Getting to make that choice is one of the greatest freedoms we have. And I know you'd do it for any of them, if the situation was reversed. And I know they'd be just as upset about it as you are now. It's awesome that you have friends like that."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"I'm sorry but I'm really aggrieved to have seen Jadeite's brains twice in the span of a year," Mamoru says a little mulishly, then takes a pull of his ginger beer and lets it burn again. He slouches, looking down at the bottle once more.

"I guess I'm not ready to hear it. People made a lot of choices, and they didn't have to see them happen, or have to operate through them having happened. And it's not survivor's guilt, it's just grief. It's so much grief, Kyouka."

The teenager looks up again, and his eyes are welling up behind his glasses. "It's so much grief. I don't know how to function with this much grief when everyone else just wants to move on because no one who matters stayed dead. And it's not just them. It's my, it's my mother. It's been six months since I remembered a whole life up until dying, and my mother died hours before I did. She went down fighting. I felt it happen but I had to keep going."

He sets the ginger beer down and reaches up to slide his glasses up into his hair and scrub harshly at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I'm so tired of having to keep going. I'm so tired of running to get something through and leaving people to die."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    Kyouka considers these words for a long moment before saying anything. It's not so much that she doesn't know what to say and more that she knows she has a habit of saying the first thing that comes to mind at any given moment, and while sometimes that's beneficial in situations like this it can make her seem unsympathetic, or tone-deaf. She knows that, so she examines what she wants to say before she actually says it.

    "My mom died too, you know. I'm not trying to diminish your grief here, or one-up you or anything. Just saying, I've been there. She didn't die in any dramatic way- just regular old cancer, when I was twelve. For a while I didn't know how to do much functioning either but eventually I figured it out."

    "And you know, I've seen friends die. You know the story of what happened with Kaito- he was my friend too. Just because it drove Fuyuko off the deep end and not me doesn't mean he wasn't my friend, and his death didn't matter to me. I don't say this to try and tell you 'you'll get over it, I did'. It's just... people die. It is, unfortunately, part of life."

    She leans back on one arm, lifting her bottle for another swig. "One day it'll be me. One day it'll be you. There's no getting away from it. The people who're left will feel grief. But eventually, they'll keep going. Because it's just what we have to do. There's no escaping that either."

    She looks over at him, her face dead serious. "I know that, given the fact that dying is inevitable, I'd sure as hell rather die for a reason. To accomplish something, even if it's as meaningless in the grand scheme of things as protecting my friend. To help get something through, like you said, that's even better. Look, I'm not in a hurry to die. I don't think anybody else is either, not most people anyway. But life is life, and death is death, and if we don't keep going then what's it all for, anyway?"

    She puts her ginger beer down after a moment and moves over so she can put an arm around his shoulders, more companionable than cuddly, and give him a squeeze. "Don't let what anyone else wants interfere with how you keep going, Mamoru. Feel your grief, process it however you need to. Feel lucky the deaths didn't stick this time. Make peace with the fact that eventually they will. But keep going."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
Mamoru leans into the arm-around, a little. He's quiet, he makes the crying stop eventually, even if it involves using his t-shirt to dry his traitorous eyes. At least he'll only be a little puffy for a little while, instead of it being obvious through a grimy catacomb-dust and bloodied face.

At least it's the only saltwater involved.

He doesn't want to hear it, he's not ready to hear it, he wants to deny it and get angry and... he's the one who came here. He doesn't want to hear it, but he asked for it.

Instead, he says, "I froze up. In combat. Bow had to get me out of it. Amy's splashback was sea water and it hit me in the face, and that was-- a big part of what was going on when I was missing. I mean it had a part to play. I need to get past that, work past that. Do you have any advice? I should ask Bow but I don't want to make him relive anything."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    Kyouka squeezes his shoulders again, and then lets go. She isn't a touchy-feely type, doesn't want to overstay her welcome in his personal space. But she stays sitting near to him, rather than moving back around to the other side of the table.

    She knows she's the master of saying things people don't want to hear. It's part of why she didn't have any friends (well, save one) when she was his age. But she's also not about to stop doing it.

    "I don't really have any advice other than 'it takes time'." She tells him, at his question. "I mean, you could actively try to overcome it. But don't rush that sort of thing. Trauma can't be erased, it has to be come to terms with. Keep people around you who can help you- center you, keep you in the now instead of the then. That's about all the advice I can give."

    She looks at him sideways. "I know it seems hard now. I don't know if it will get better, but it'll get easier. And it will help to be with people who can support you."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"I'd tell Thetis trauma can't be erased, but she wouldn't care, and is dead now anyway," Mamoru says with a slightly damp laugh, and he picks up his ginger beer and finishes it off in a few determined gulps.

"Thanks," he finally says.

Then he's silent a couple of seconds, and he glances sidelong at Kyouka. "I think I'm going to buy an apartment building and rent the storefront first floor to a cat cafe. I don't want to open it, so I'm going to shop around for one that's cool and would enjoy lower rent." A beat. "I don't want to live in a dorm anymore. I've spent my life sharing rooms."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    "Not caring is one of the highlights of being dead, I assume." Kyouka says, with a bit of dry gallows humor. "Not caring while you're alive is harder. Trust me, I've tried and I'm no good at it."

    She chucks him on the shoulder lightly when he says thanks, then listens to his plans with a quirked brow.

    "The fact that you can say that so nonchalantly is offensive to a poor girl like me, you know." She says, with good humor. "I've never lived in a room bigger than this one my entire life." She tilts her chin to indicate the small apartment they're in. "But you're right.. at least I don't have to share."

    "You should do what makes you happy, Mamoru. And I don't mean that in any sort of conciliatory, 'you do you' sort of way. I mean really. You've been through a lot, and we just won a big one. I'm not going to say 'it's over' because neither of us is stupid enough to believe 'it' is really ever 'over', but some celebration, some self-indulgence is deserved. If that means real estate for you, then have at it. Cat cafes are cool."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"It's a great way to truly tell my social worker that I've gone off the deep end, so I have to manage that and still get my apartment building and cat cafe out of it," Mamoru continues doggedly, getting up abruptly and moving over to rinse out his empty bottle.

He glances over his shoulder, dumping out the water, and pads back over to put the empty back in the cardboard carrier. He looks down at Kyouka. "And if I manage it, consider whether or not you'd like moving into a bigger place with lower rent. Just a share of the utilities, upkeep, and taxes, so considerably lower rent probably."

Because cat cafes are cool. "As long as you're not allergic to cats." A beat. "I should hit the road. Thanks for putting up with me."

Kyouka Inai has posed:
    "If you need your guidance counselor to write your social worker a letter assuring them that you are in fact a completely well-balanced and in-control individual, don't worry, I got you covered." Kyouka stays seated as he rises, but she watches him, toying with her own bottle between her fingers.

    At his mention of a potentially larger apartment with lower rent, she makes a faint scoffing noise. "I don't need bigger.. but cheaper always sounds nice. You know what guidance counselors get paid? It's a disgrace." A well-worn complaint, made more out of habit than true dissatisfaction.

    She gives him a crooked smile when he thanks her. "All jokes aside, I take my role seriously, especially when it comes to my friends. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. Can't guarantee you'll like what I have to say but.. I'm happy to say it, and to listen in return. Anytime. Really."

    She waves a hand at him in mock dismissal. "Away with you, then. Go do something relaxing. For the time being, at least, we can afford to."

Mamoru Chiba has posed:
"Away with me," Mamoru gives Kyouka a crooked half-smile, bending to pull on his shoes next to the door. "Good night, Kyou-sensei." That's gotta be the most mixed-message teasing possible. So familiar! But so respectful! He's out the door before she can call him on it.